Some say that there’s a doppelganger or uncannily similar twin of each and every one of us somewhere else in the world. That’s kind of frightening, but what might be even more terrifying is that someone must exist out there who is polar opposite you.
For everything you do in this life, they do the opposite. You might wonder what sort of amoral (or moral) deeds they do on a regular basis to counter your actions. I don’t really care; I just want to know what they drive. What car would such an opposite-of-you individual drive, therefore making it the most “not you” car?
Opposite Me would probably have some kind of flashy Korean car like a Kia or Hyundai with that “bold” styling featuring all the excessive, fussy detailing that will likely look as out of date and dopey as the Amati in the topshot in about three weeks.
The Real Me would be terrified that such a car is going to blow a head gasket, burn a transmission or get a rod knock beyond 60,000 miles, as has happened to many people I know who bought one of these things. Opposite Me wouldn’t care, because unlike Real Me, such a person would never keep a car for ten years. No, they’ll lease the thing and ditch it in 36 months, long before it craps out. Then, they’ll just get another new one and keep making ever-increasing car payments until the day they die.
What about our David Tracy? Inverse David Tracy (Ycart Divad) would have zero nonfunctional or semifunctional cars dripping oil at his work lot or house; every penny would be sunk into his one vehicle: a nearly new GX550 that I’m sure his Lexus fangirl spouse loves. Inverse David Tracy’s wife (like Inverse Me’s spouse) is always pushing him to go buy another project car.
Where do we even start with Opposite World Jason Torchinsky? The Anti-Torch wouldn’t be caught dead in some funky thimble-wheeled “tin can” compact, much less one that looked like a duck. He’d probably drive a big late-seventies “downsized” Cadillac like the one he claims that his parents inherited from his grandpa. This was a car mentioned in his infamous bail-out-his-parents story and a vehicle that Real Jason probably had less than zilch interest in owning. I, on the other hand, would gladly rock the living shit out of such a magnificent machine at 10 MPG; just a ride to the store would have a sense of occasion. I’d have tried to inherit it and likely still own it today in a fully restored state. Wait, am I the Anti-Jason? Woah.
How about you? What cars are so not “you” that only someone who’s the total opposite of yourself actually would buy it?
Top graphic image: Kia
The show-off mobiles for lonely idiots with too much money and no taste.
Some examples:
-Hummer H2
-Hummer EV
-CyberTruck
-Any Maybach
-Limousines
-The Ferrari Luce
I think my opposite would drive a blacked out Range Rover, but any off your list would also fit.
Ford F-350 King Ranch
It’s in the all hat, no cattle category of cowboy affectations. Plus I don’t like huge cars and I’m cheap.
The second option would be the Honda Pilot (or similar) because that’s a car for a straight mom and I’m a gay bear.
Can I interest you in one of the larger Subarus, then?
See: “I don’t like huge cars” from earlier.
Going by my friends, the ultimate bear car is a Bronco Sport. I know so, so many Bronco Sport drivers.
what is a “gay bear” car?
In my experience, Bronco Sport.
I don’t have one myself but goddamn I know a lot of dudes with one.
Any corssover or anything by Toyota.
Happydog Borkbork daily’s a lifted 4×4. A heavy-duty truck or a Wrangler or something, and listens to God Guns Girls country.
So you’re in a lowered 2×4, a light-duty truck, or a Jimny? And you listen to “Gold, Guns, Girls” by Metric?
Close. I do listen to Metric.
You’d be a bit of a Black Sheep if you didn’t, ’round these parts. I won’t Combat you, Baby.
Any of the high performance luxury SUVs- for the this example I’ll go with an AMG G-wagon. Obnoxious, ostentatious, flashy, screams “look at me, I have one because they’re trendy and I think I’m cooler than you.”
Almost too easy, but a Cybertruck. It’s the perfect intersection of look-at-me, brodozer, tech bro and creepy cultist to be my diametric opposite.
A black Escalade. Big, flashy, no reason for its existence other than to proclaim, “I’m a baller, fuck the rest of you!”. (OK, to be fair, they also proclaim, “I’m a person who wants a giant car for perceived safety reasons and doesn’t mind the garish pretentiousness”. That’s still a car for Ekim and not me.)
Or someone who drives it as an Uber. There’s one of those near me.
I would love a 1st or 2nd gen escelade they had everything the gmt400 and gmt800 series platform trucks offered!
Aside from the low hanging fruit (cyberfuck) Probably one of those ubiquitous putty grey overlanding Sprinter vans. Not one single thing about that interests me.
Any ostentatious exotic. I’ve literally walked past a row of Ferraris to geek out on a Daihatsu Charade.
Miata. I’m bald and just too big. I’m not going to try to fool myself or anyone else.
Even when the question is “What would you not drive”, it’s still The Answer.
VW Beetle. I’ve detested them since riding in the neighbor’s car as a child.
Any jacked-up truck for which a ladder must be used to enter unless it is a proper commercial vehicle.
Years ago I was stopped in Manhattan by a person who mistook me for a Puerto Rican priest. I would have liked to meet him. I am a NYC Jew.
Hold on. So a Puerto Rican priest and a NYC Jew walk into a bar…
There’s a joke there for the creative types.
Any of today’s four-door, fool-size pickups.
The vehicle that is the most me is a newer Toyota Sienna. Family oriented, practical, reliable, and no-frills.
What would be the inverse of that? Most modern supercars with straight piped exhausts.
1). Please don’t disrespect my boy the Amanti like that….
2). Easy, a Brodozer. Excessively huge, excessively inefficient, an inconvenience to everyone around it, driven primarily by posers.
Opposite me has the funds for an assortment of hypercars
The car in stock form or what it is now?
What it is now – G35. It’s loud, obnoxious, constantly needs attention, even negative ones.
Funny enough, I had a g35, back in 2003 when normal people bought and drove those cars.
Any brand new luxury six figure pickup or SUV.
I had a FWD Saturn Vue, I can imagine few things less me than that. Of course it’s pretty much the template for mainstream cars now, so I guess there are a lot of possibilities these days.
I am in the same boat I am on record hating all CUVs but then on Saturday I bought a 07 AWD Saturn Vue. But i only paid $1000 of it which is very much on brand for me.
Mine was a while ago, but I got it for almost nothing from my Father in Law. It did the job of getting me back and forth to work. As soon as I leveled up my job I replaced it, though.
Enormous luxury EV that tries to do everything for you, and appeals to the most toxic of toxic masculinity.
So a Cybertruck.
This is the answer for nearly all of us, I believe.
Hummer EV is a very close second.
Must suck for the Hummer execs, they probably thought they’d cornered in the market in dickhead-mobiles, and then Elon came along…
Around 99% of today’s vehicles are “not me” because in all honesty hardly any of them really do much for me. Because we live in an era- at least here in the US- where your choices are mostly sort of puffy looking, overly-wrought crossovers and SUVs… or… gigantic oversized and very “mean and nasty” looking trucks with huge chrome dipped plastic grills you could bend with your pinky.
Since I’m reading the Autopian I can’t imagine a car I wouldn’t like to try at least a few miles…
Jacked-up coal-rolling double cab shortbed bro-truck with black wheels and low profile tires. Or a Cybertruck.
I was having trouble thinking of an example, but that will definitely do it for me.
Yup. There it is.
Man, I was thinking of stock vehicles.
Yeah, I’d say lifted/squatted stacked trucks on rubber band mud tires is definitely about as far away from me as a vehicle could get.
This works for me too. Except probably any pickup would do.
A brown diesel wagon. Probably French.
That’s weird, a brown French diesel wagon is exactly what I’ve pictured you in all these years.
😉
That must be my evil twin you’re seeing.
Maybe. Does he live in Quebec and dress as a mime?
That actually does sound about as far from something I would do as possible.
Hmm. I have access to a Brown diesel wagon and I live minutes from the QC border.
Now I just need a reference image of V10omous to get the evil mime twin motif right.
Luc? Is that you?
Oui!
Is Miata always the answer?
Was very nearly mine.