Some say that there’s a doppelganger or uncannily similar twin of each and every one of us somewhere else in the world. That’s kind of frightening, but what might be even more terrifying is that someone must exist out there who is polar opposite you.
For everything you do in this life, they do the opposite. You might wonder what sort of amoral (or moral) deeds they do on a regular basis to counter your actions. I don’t really care; I just want to know what they drive. What car would such an opposite-of-you individual drive, therefore making it the most “not you” car?
Opposite Me would probably have some kind of flashy Korean car like a Kia or Hyundai with that “bold” styling featuring all the excessive, fussy detailing that will likely look as out of date and dopey as the Amati in the topshot in about three weeks.
The Real Me would be terrified that such a car is going to blow a head gasket, burn a transmission or get a rod knock beyond 60,000 miles, as has happened to many people I know who bought one of these things. Opposite Me wouldn’t care, because unlike Real Me, such a person would never keep a car for ten years. No, they’ll lease the thing and ditch it in 36 months, long before it craps out. Then, they’ll just get another new one and keep making ever-increasing car payments until the day they die.
What about our David Tracy? Inverse David Tracy (Ycart Divad) would have zero nonfunctional or semifunctional cars dripping oil at his work lot or house; every penny would be sunk into his one vehicle: a nearly new GX550 that I’m sure his Lexus fangirl spouse loves. Inverse David Tracy’s wife (like Inverse Me’s spouse) is always pushing him to go buy another project car.
Where do we even start with Opposite World Jason Torchinsky? The Anti-Torch wouldn’t be caught dead in some funky thimble-wheeled “tin can” compact, much less one that looked like a duck. He’d probably drive a big late-seventies “downsized” Cadillac like the one he claims that his parents inherited from his grandpa. This was a car mentioned in his infamous bail-out-his-parents story and a vehicle that Real Jason probably had less than zilch interest in owning. I, on the other hand, would gladly rock the living shit out of such a magnificent machine at 10 MPG; just a ride to the store would have a sense of occasion. I’d have tried to inherit it and likely still own it today in a fully restored state. Wait, am I the Anti-Jason? Woah.
How about you? What cars are so not “you” that only someone who’s the total opposite of yourself actually would buy it?
Top graphic image: Kia
Cybertruck. Apologies if this has been posted. I’ll stick with my Fit.
A sedan. Sorry, but its the absolute worst body style. A wagon or hatch has many times more cargo room and more leg room for the same amount of material and cost. The roof is too short in the back seats so I have to slouch, the leg room is too short so I eat my knees, and the worse is the footwells are really narrow so my big duck feet get crunched while my let’s and knees are unnaturally held in a twisted position. For every minute in the rear seat figure about the same amount of time to stretch and walk out the pain. I have lots of childhood trauma from my parents renting the cheapest rental car and being stuck in the rear seat the whole time since I was the runt of the family at only 6’1. I for one am happy to see the death of the sedan and the move to CUVs that are twice as practical for slightly more cost and slightly worse real world MPG.
Either: aging boy-toy Nibby drives a Fiat 124 Spider whose workings he understands like a cat understands calculus
or: high-powered political operative H.B. Nibbug mostly uses a black car service but keeps a large Mercedes SUV at the place in Palm Beach.
Panthers or Teslas. For very different reasons, of course. Though I might make an exception for one of the very last Ford Crown Vic station wagons in full Plywood Pleasure Palace regalia. Still terrible in many ways, but useful at least.
Though I did see one of those idiotic Polestars that lack a rear window the other day. I think I would drive a Tesla before I drove that.
A white Solara convertible with gold accents
The car that is least me would…
Be a car. I’m more of a motorcyclist with a small pickup truck habit.
Have 4 doors. I hate 4-doors. Even my Volvo had 2 doors.
Be a ‘classic’. I sold off my IH Scouts and Laverda motorcycle because I’m just not a classic bike/car owner (I love them at arm’s length, though.)
I’ve always felt like I should be doing something else whenever a 4 door Chevy Nova came into view, or the subject of Chevy Novas came up. Like, since the Reagan era I’ve always been water to the Nova’s oil. All my particles carry an opposite charge to the Nova.
1972 Chevrolet Nova 4-door.
Laverdas are like kids, more fun when they’re someone else’s to care for.
If I had to narrow it down to a single vehicle, the anti-me car is a Cummins powered Dodge Ram single cab, long bed 2WD dually truck.
That vehicle indicates a level of physical labor that I am entirely unable to fulfill.
My type is typically a fancy, fun and reliable small car, so an old crappy minivan. Like a beige Chevy Uplander or something. Not good to drive, not good to look at, not nice inside, not reliable.
Real me has invested lots of time and sweat (and more money than any sane person would) keeping up a 23-year-old BMW wagon as a daily, so inverse me would probably be delighted to lease a new RAV4, the more “driver assists” the better, because that’s the current “default car” for people who don’t want to think about it, don’t care about driving, and just want to fit in.
Bizzaro Max drives a 76 El Camino welded onto a lifted Blazer 4X4 chassis, with a 454, Mudbog headers, 35″ Super Swampers, and Bull Horns on the hood.
Any EV, like Flo says in Cars, I have gas, I have lots of gas
Burt has a BMW motorcycle. Trub has an obnoxiously loud Harley.
Burt has a TR6 roadster, Trub has anything new and expensive, with lots of invasive technology and links to the cloud and big brother.
I’m especially into large, older sedans myself so I think my car opposite would be a city car, probably a Smart since I rented one once in Europe and hated it. Will also mention that I hate large pickup trucks and I’d have a hard time deciding between those but I think I’m marginally more likely to like a pickup or some horrible crossover which is all of them really than a city car.