Some say that there’s a doppelganger or uncannily similar twin of each and every one of us somewhere else in the world. That’s kind of frightening, but what might be even more terrifying is that someone must exist out there who is polar opposite you.
For everything you do in this life, they do the opposite. You might wonder what sort of amoral (or moral) deeds they do on a regular basis to counter your actions. I don’t really care; I just want to know what they drive. What car would such an opposite-of-you individual drive, therefore making it the most “not you” car?
Opposite Me would probably have some kind of flashy Korean car like a Kia or Hyundai with that “bold” styling featuring all the excessive, fussy detailing that will likely look as out of date and dopey as the Amati in the topshot in about three weeks.
The Real Me would be terrified that such a car is going to blow a head gasket, burn a transmission or get a rod knock beyond 60,000 miles, as has happened to many people I know who bought one of these things. Opposite Me wouldn’t care, because unlike Real Me, such a person would never keep a car for ten years. No, they’ll lease the thing and ditch it in 36 months, long before it craps out. Then, they’ll just get another new one and keep making ever-increasing car payments until the day they die.
What about our David Tracy? Inverse David Tracy (Ycart Divad) would have zero nonfunctional or semifunctional cars dripping oil at his work lot or house; every penny would be sunk into his one vehicle: a nearly new GX550 that I’m sure his Lexus fangirl spouse loves. Inverse David Tracy’s wife (like Inverse Me’s spouse) is always pushing him to go buy another project car.
Where do we even start with Opposite World Jason Torchinsky? The Anti-Torch wouldn’t be caught dead in some funky thimble-wheeled “tin can” compact, much less one that looked like a duck. He’d probably drive a big late-seventies “downsized” Cadillac like the one he claims that his parents inherited from his grandpa. This was a car mentioned in his infamous bail-out-his-parents story and a vehicle that Real Jason probably had less than zilch interest in owning. I, on the other hand, would gladly rock the living shit out of such a magnificent machine at 10 MPG; just a ride to the store would have a sense of occasion. I’d have tried to inherit it and likely still own it today in a fully restored state. Wait, am I the Anti-Jason? Woah.
How about you? What cars are so not “you” that only someone who’s the total opposite of yourself actually would buy it?
Top graphic image: Kia
Any huge truck.
Any VW product. Deceitful heaps of excrement. I’ve let people pass me in taxi lines to avoid getting in a VW.
Jeep
Any BMW SUV, but especially the newer ones. I hate how emblematic the brand is of planned obsolescence, I hate how SUVs have taken over the road as the default vehicle type (the majority of them are bad at everything, even the things they claim to be good at, like off-roading), and I hate the BMW brand image as a whole, and even just the whole concept of buying vehicles as status symbols, which is the only reason BMW SUVs exist – you can’t really make the argument that they’re fun to drive like the sedans and coupes are. Even the small number of BMWs that somehow have a reputation for decent reliability make me hesitant because if I owned one, I’d be afraid that people assume I’m a stereotypical BMW owner, and that is absolutely NOT the impression I want to give. BMW may not be the center of everything I don’t like in the world, but they certainly resonate strongly with it.
I get that a lot of y’all bought BMWs just for the driving experience, and you don’t mind the expense and inconvenience of maintenance or how others perceive you based on what you drive, but I personally just don’t want the headache or the associations.
What car is the “most me” is tricky to answer because I tend to alternate between wanting a raw, engaging, sporty driving experience; and a big comfy couch on wheels that eliminates as much sensory stimuli as possible. I either want ALL the stimulation, or uninterrupted peace and quiet. So sometimes I want a Caterham 7, and other times I want a Citroen DS, and since those are kind of polar opposites it’s pretty hard to find a vehicle that’s a mix of both. Maybe a Citroen Xantia Activa? Or some kind of grand tourer?
That KIA Amati is probably the most me. I had a Hyundai Grandeur (2000) and I am all about soft chromey korean luxury. But the Least me would be any SUV. I had a 2012 Mazda CX-5 for three years and I want to be clear here it was an excellent car, practical, fuel efficient, handsome and nice to drive but I just hated having an SUV when I disn’t need one (I traded in a polo and a picanto for it because my new houses garage has a lip that was scraping the underside of those cars. I just ended up parking outside in my spots instead so bought it for no reason in the end.
Wow, TIL about the Grandeur. What a striking automobile.
Opposite me would probably have something like the massive blacked out jacked up silverado that someone down the street from me has on their front lawn, which down here just seems like they’re trying to win scariest halloween decoration.
A Dodge Viper would be up there.
Tesla , the cell phone app as the interface / key, the non serviceability, it being an ev in general .. not that i’m against evs it’s just not in my demographic of price plus i don’t have a garage so i would have to dig a trench and conduit to install a pedistal charger on my driveway so thats … thousands of dollars up front i would need to spend just to charge the damn thing and i drive maybe 5,000 miles a year. and then the polotics of tesla / trump are factored in. tesla is the anti me for sure.
Tohs Dor Nlocnil likes to pose his hand and wrist, watch face out, resting on the steering wheel of a CPO Mercedes AMG G-Wagen
Aside from a certain Tesla truck, basically your free spot in bingo, I think the Chevy Suburban. I had a Yukon as a rental a couple of years ago and it was just such a bad fit. An even larger one is just insane to my mind.
My first thought was the sort of holiday rental I find reliably obnoxious, such as a Polaris Slingshot. Nothing repels a grumpy disheveled hermit like the idea of crawling through traffic in an open vehicle that looks like a Transformer some cruel kid dismembered and sounds like the stereo only plays one classic rock station at 85% volume.
However, I just spent a week driving a 2026 crew cab short bed Silverado (with the 5.3 engine, so just a sliver more HP/TQ than my own daily driver but about 2000 pounds heavier) around a city founded in 1770 and wow, what a terrible experience. The only things that could have made it worse would have been making it a lifted longbed dually diesel with a whistle tune, darker tint, a shell over the bed to further inhibit visibility, and taking away the fancy camera system that makes it borderline parkable.
It’s my mom’s new truck, which says a lot about my family’s softcore masochistic tendencies. It’s not a great daily for a 76-year old lady who has chronic ailments (only a couple of which are from wrecking a similar truck last year) but still hasn’t gotten a disability placard. But hey, country people gonna keep it country.
So that’s my answer: a performative Big Truck. Half a century on I’m still desperately flailing around at being different. If I ever truly need a pickup, I’ll go rent one. And I have never had to rent a pickup.
Also, I’m not sure a Slingshot is technically a car.
A diesel Ram brodozer with poked wheels and rubber band tires. With a Calvin sticker featuring either Ford or Chevy.
There are many vehicles that get on my nerves, like SUVs, bro-trucks, and Hummers. But the Cybertruck has to be the most useless piece of junk made by one of the overall most harmful human beings on Earth.
Jeep Wrangler.
Real me. A rental spec white 1996 Ford Taurus with a bad cat. Rounded in places I shouldn’t be, boring and a constant reek of poor Fast Food choices and a strange reek of sulfur. Lots of replacement parts to keep it operational, not all of the installed properly.
Completely not me. Brodozer. I’m not Tall, I don’t have chiseled edges, and I don’t like letting my nuts hang loose. However, I am overweight…
There is one I can think of, which combines just about every modern-car-ism I currently despise, and that goes to the VW ID.4
Probably any generic crossover/SUV. A Chevy Traverse is a good example of a car I would never drive despite it being a perfectly fine vehicle. It’s not necessarily about it being boring either, I’d drive a Camry and they don’t exactly get the heart pumping. I think most bro-coded 4X4 vehicles aren’t me either, you won’t catch me in a Wrangler covered in ducks or a lifted truck with LED lights in the wheel arches. No Rough Country accessories on my Silverado, just a normal looking, regular-height 4WD truck.
Speaking of ducks, they already spread to Broncos, but today I saw them in a Rivian!
At one point I would have answered – ‘a boring car’ – but now I own a Prius, which is mathematically the most boring car ever made. And you know what? It’s very me. I like having a car that’s really good at being a car. I strongly dislike automatic transmissions, but I’ve gone full rabbithole on the planetary eCVT (it’s seriously bonkers). Whatever car I have I end up going deep on.
So I guess Opposite Me would be a Brand Purist – probably an air-cooled Porsche purist that doesn’t consider anything with a radiator a ‘Real Porsche’, or a Corvette ‘only one made on Monday by a guy named Greg’ wonk, or some other aspirational sports car that gets treated with reverence befitting interwar Bugattis – with no curiosity outside of that one niche, but can’t bring themselves to drive their perfect special car (not only because they don’t want to put wear and tear on it, but because it’s so pure that it’s a miserable, loud, hot, uncomfortable ride), so it lives as a garage ornament while they disinterestedly tolerate a series of leases as a daily driver.
Hummer
Any minivan.
minivans are rad!
probably anything over $100K new, 80s american and maybe most 80s cars in general, and any Tesla especially the cybertruck.
Bugatti Veyron. Or any hypercar, really. Me prime is too poor to buy one and also finds them pointless. Opposite me loves that shit, though.
I’m upvoting you on the strength of “me prime.”
Probably a new Mercedes rather than a 2011 and earlier.
New luxury vehicles especially German or only pre obdii vehicles.
The vehicle that is the least me? A coal-rolling lifted bro truck like this.
And if we are limiting this to “cars” (and I’d argue those bro trucks are used more like cars than actual trucks for doing actual work), the police-cosplay Ford Crown Victoria and other police-cosplay vehicles.