A big part of moving to a different area is finding your way around. You need to know things like where the nearest Costco is (half an hour) and is that little pizza place downtown is any good (not bad at all, actually). The more you know about a place, the more at home you will feel, and for me, that includes knowing what’s on offer in the local classifieds. So today, we’re looking at two cars not far from my new stomping grounds, for just twenty-five hundred bucks each.
Yesterday we were in my old stomping grounds of Portland, Oregon, looking at a pair of faded sporty coupes. A surprising number of you wanted a “both” option, but more of you voted for the Eagle Talon, giving it the win over that scruffy Barracuda.
As I said yesterday, I’m a fan of both these cars, but if the choice is between these two particular examples, I have to go with the Talon as well. That particular Barracuda just needs too much. And honestly, if I were going to go for a Barracuda, or Valiant, or Dart, I’d want a slant six instead of the V8. It just seems right.
When we were out running errands today, I noticed something about central Michigan: Our 22-year-old GMC Yukon is one of the oldest vehicles on the road. And it’s got nothing to do with status or socioeconomic factors; it’s simply because nearly all cars of its age have long since rusted away around here. But I also know that this state is car-crazy to some degree, with Detroit being the epicenter of the US auto industry. So there must be some interest in classics, right? I decided to see what was available for cheap that someone might conceivably want to fix up. As I suspected, the pickings were slim. But I found these two on Facebook Marketplace, just down the road a bit in Ann Arbor. Let’s check them out.
1977 Mercury Comet – $2,500
Engine/drivetrain: 250 cubic inch OHV inline 6, three-speed automatic, RWD
Location: Ann Arbor, MI
Odometer reading: 120,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and drives, but needs work
It has been a minute since the last installment of our “Mercury Monday” series, so I think it’s high time we poked a little good-natured fun at Ford’s also-ran brand again. Here we have the final generation of the Mercury Comet, which started out as a fancy-pants Ford Falcon, and ended up as this coffin-nosed iteration of a Ford Maverick. While the name of the affiliated Ford version changed more than once throughout the Comet’s lifetime, the basic mechanical structure never did; underneath, this is pretty much the same as the original Comet.
Power for this Comet comes from a 250 cubic inch version of Ford’s venerable inline six, backed by a column-shifted three-speed automatic. It makes the car move, but in the least exciting way possible. It is pretty damn reliable, though. This one has had a bunch of recent work done, and it runs and drives, but the seller says it “does not like the cold.” I mean, who does, right? They mention a new carb, and I suspect the reluctance to run properly in cold weather has something to do with the choke being maladjusted, disconnected, or otherwise inoperable.
It has tan seat covers over an otherwise pea-green interior that’s in surprisingly good shape – with one exception. The shoulder harness on the driver’s side is badly frayed, almost broken through. You’ll want to get that replaced before you go too far or too fast.
You would expect to see some rust on a car like this around here, and you’d be right. Little areas of corrosion are popping up in pretty much every seam and crevice. I have no way of knowing how bad it is underneath, but the fact that the rocker panels are intact is encouraging. I fear that the rear bumper brackets may not be long for this world; however, I’m certain the bumper is not supposed to sit that low.
1979 Oldsmobile Ninety-Eight Hearse – $2,500
Engine/drivetrain: 350 cubic inch OHV V8, three-speed automatic, RWD
Location: Ann Arbor, MI
Odometer reading: 92,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and drives, but needs work
Hearses, like limousines, are often built from Cadillacs or Lincolns, with the thought being that your last ride should be in style, I suppose. But pretty much any vehicle large enough to hold a casket could be made into a hearse, like, say, an Oldsmobile Ninety-Eight sedan. This is the “downsized” version of the big Olds, but it’s still more than roomy enough to get the job done – with a little surgery to its roof and trunk.
This Ninety-Eight is powered by a 350 cubic “Rocket” V8 engine, a strange choice of engine name for a slow, stately vehicle like a hearse, but what can you do? It runs and drives, but the seller says it sputters a little and has a slight tick that they think is coming from the valvetrain. I chased a similar noise all over a Chevy 305 V8 once, and it ended up being a weak spring in the mechanical fuel pump. A failing fuel pump could also account for the stumbling, actually, so that would be the first place I’d check. This car’s odometer shows only 92,000 miles, and I tend to believe that’s original. Hearses don’t generally cover a lot of miles.
It’s a little grubby inside, but it still looks comfy in that ’70s luxobarge way. And of course, the front bench seat is the only seat; the entire rear is taken up by the rollers and latches to hold a casket. There’s a casket in the back in the photos – empty, one would hope – but the seller says it isn’t included.
It’s pretty rough outside, with surface rust, rust-through in a few spots, and peeling vinyl on the top, but it also sports the most interesting landau bars I’ve ever seen on a hearse. Look at those things. They’re practically Art Deco. I love seeing such an intricate detail on such a dilapidated old car; they’re like the gargoyles on a decaying stone mansion or something.
In some other parts of the country, these would be parts cars at best, but I bet they both find a home around here. Will either one ever actually get restored? Probably not. Are they worth the asking price? Again, doubtful, but neither are they too far outside the realm of reality, especially for something you can drive home. I’m pretty sure neither would be anyone’s first choice for a project, but today, they are your only choices. So what’s it gonna be?
The Comet is a fun color and doesn’t constantly remind me of my ever closer demise. Da Goffs can loot da hearse, I’ll take the automotive version of a Schwinn Stingray.
The game is always the same – choose one. In spite of the fact that I have absolutely no interest in either, I’ll still play. The Comet is terrible, but in this case will win with me because it’s slightly less terrible than the Olds hearse. As an Olds Man(TM) it pains me to say that, but that’s the facts.
Hard pass on both.
Wow those bumpers stick OUT on that Comet! You could use them to land a plane on. Having said that, it’s still the winner by a mile. No interest in a decrepit old hearse. And I think there are lots of people wanting a Comet by the amount of giant Comet (ok fine they say meteor but it’s close enough) 2020, 2024, and 2028 bumper stickers I see.
How ironic that I saw a mid/late-80’s Oldsmobile hearse this morning (one based on the front wheel drive 98 maybe?)
I’ve always kind of appreciated used hearses, they seem very practical. But there are always those quirky performative-macabre people who daily drive them and that’s not me…although I suppose its better than non-performative macabre…
So I guess if I need to spend money on a pile of unpleasant rust, it’ll be in the shape of the Comet.
The Olds has rollers and latches in the back? Sounds like a good hauler for weekend projects to me.
I sold my hearse to a guy who did drywall; he was only interested if I had the rollers. It made perfect sense, kept the drywall “dry”, and easy access out the back or sides (my hearse had suicide doors….)
GO BLUE!
All this excellence in Ann Arbor!
This one is personal to me. When I was a senior at U of M in A2, I bought a 1972 Cadillac Hearse for $1200.00. 472, 12 MPG. Primer grey, touch it and you got gray chalk all over your hands. We called it “the Doom Buggy”, until I went to law school, and it was then called “The Ambulance Chaser.” Its not many people who have had more than one ride in a hearse! Very Handy, even took my granny to a doctors appointment with the car, and she said “Park it in the back, its bad for the doctor’s business to have a hearse up front…”
But, having had a hearse, I’d be inclined to get the Comet. It’s a great looking car, with the all time worst bumpers on a car built after 1972. It somehow speaks to me…
They’re both bad and you should feel bad for posting them. Bad Mark!!!
Wheh. Hearses are coachbuilds with the absolute worst build quality you can imagine.
But that Comet is both ugly and a 6 cylinder.
6 in a row? How about no.
Build Quality 70s Fords were not known for the best.
I am in Norcal and am pretty sure I can smell the Olds from here.
I’ll walk
This is the correct answer.
Do I want the car I’m likely to die in (see seatbelt, rust indicates tissue paper-like crush resistance) or the car my paste-like corpse is going to ride in afterwards?
Decisions, decisions.
Oh, let’s be honest. That Comet had tissue-like crush resistance when it was brand new. Still my choice though.
Today is probably a walking day. But if I had to choose, I guess the hearse could be fun at Halloween after I spray it with 10 cans of black Plastidip.
Where’s the “less bad” choice?
I used to think I’d rock a hearse, but not THAT hearse.
The Comet bumpers give it a saggy butt and an underbite, but also that glorious green interior.
I dunno, Comet, I guess. It’ll fit in my garage, at least.
I was ready to jump on the Oldsmobile until it was revealed the casket was not included.
Ahem. Hood scoop…and tape stripe! Late 70s at its best/worst. Comet it is for me.
So I have to choose between a car haunted by the stench of death and decay or the Oldsmobile.
Today is a Nope day.
I’m not really into the whole goth/darkness/whatever sceene and I’m not in a band so I have no interest in the hearse. Also, an Olds? Even for the last ride, couldn’t spring for the Cadillac?
I’ll go with the Comet and pretend like I’m ever going to get around to doing a drivtrain swap into something less anemic.
I’ll take the Comet. I’ve always wanted to vomit in a Comet.
A LOT of 70s cars had peach schnapps vomit in them in the 1980s.
The Fuzzy Navel did come out in the ’80s, so that makes a lot of sense.
I lost count of the friends in high school and college who’s girlfriends puked peach schnapps in their cars. I was a significant number.
First, I need to know if the Olds comes with any spare body parts.
Groan…
That’s a cryptic remark.
Got us dead to rights with that one…
That Comet does not have the engine to earn that hood scoop and the Olds you have a place to nap/camp when you are not working on it. Also just black bedliner the whole thing and done or rebody it onto a 4×4 frame and then “camper”.
Comet all the way. A V8 is an easy replacement as these came with the venerable Ford 302 from the factory. Just make sure you aren’t driving a Fred Flintstone edition.