A big part of moving to a different area is finding your way around. You need to know things like where the nearest Costco is (half an hour) and is that little pizza place downtown is any good (not bad at all, actually). The more you know about a place, the more at home you will feel, and for me, that includes knowing what’s on offer in the local classifieds. So today, we’re looking at two cars not far from my new stomping grounds, for just twenty-five hundred bucks each.
Yesterday we were in my old stomping grounds of Portland, Oregon, looking at a pair of faded sporty coupes. A surprising number of you wanted a “both” option, but more of you voted for the Eagle Talon, giving it the win over that scruffy Barracuda.
As I said yesterday, I’m a fan of both these cars, but if the choice is between these two particular examples, I have to go with the Talon as well. That particular Barracuda just needs too much. And honestly, if I were going to go for a Barracuda, or Valiant, or Dart, I’d want a slant six instead of the V8. It just seems right.
When we were out running errands today, I noticed something about central Michigan: Our 22-year-old GMC Yukon is one of the oldest vehicles on the road. And it’s got nothing to do with status or socioeconomic factors; it’s simply because nearly all cars of its age have long since rusted away around here. But I also know that this state is car-crazy to some degree, with Detroit being the epicenter of the US auto industry. So there must be some interest in classics, right? I decided to see what was available for cheap that someone might conceivably want to fix up. As I suspected, the pickings were slim. But I found these two on Facebook Marketplace, just down the road a bit in Ann Arbor. Let’s check them out.
1977 Mercury Comet – $2,500
Engine/drivetrain: 250 cubic inch OHV inline 6, three-speed automatic, RWD
Location: Ann Arbor, MI
Odometer reading: 120,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and drives, but needs work
It has been a minute since the last installment of our “Mercury Monday” series, so I think it’s high time we poked a little good-natured fun at Ford’s also-ran brand again. Here we have the final generation of the Mercury Comet, which started out as a fancy-pants Ford Falcon, and ended up as this coffin-nosed iteration of a Ford Maverick. While the name of the affiliated Ford version changed more than once throughout the Comet’s lifetime, the basic mechanical structure never did; underneath, this is pretty much the same as the original Comet.
Power for this Comet comes from a 250 cubic inch version of Ford’s venerable inline six, backed by a column-shifted three-speed automatic. It makes the car move, but in the least exciting way possible. It is pretty damn reliable, though. This one has had a bunch of recent work done, and it runs and drives, but the seller says it “does not like the cold.” I mean, who does, right? They mention a new carb, and I suspect the reluctance to run properly in cold weather has something to do with the choke being maladjusted, disconnected, or otherwise inoperable.
It has tan seat covers over an otherwise pea-green interior that’s in surprisingly good shape – with one exception. The shoulder harness on the driver’s side is badly frayed, almost broken through. You’ll want to get that replaced before you go too far or too fast.
You would expect to see some rust on a car like this around here, and you’d be right. Little areas of corrosion are popping up in pretty much every seam and crevice. I have no way of knowing how bad it is underneath, but the fact that the rocker panels are intact is encouraging. I fear that the rear bumper brackets may not be long for this world; however, I’m certain the bumper is not supposed to sit that low.
1979 Oldsmobile Ninety-Eight Hearse – $2,500
Engine/drivetrain: 350 cubic inch OHV V8, three-speed automatic, RWD
Location: Ann Arbor, MI
Odometer reading: 92,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and drives, but needs work
Hearses, like limousines, are often built from Cadillacs or Lincolns, with the thought being that your last ride should be in style, I suppose. But pretty much any vehicle large enough to hold a casket could be made into a hearse, like, say, an Oldsmobile Ninety-Eight sedan. This is the “downsized” version of the big Olds, but it’s still more than roomy enough to get the job done – with a little surgery to its roof and trunk.
This Ninety-Eight is powered by a 350 cubic “Rocket” V8 engine, a strange choice of engine name for a slow, stately vehicle like a hearse, but what can you do? It runs and drives, but the seller says it sputters a little and has a slight tick that they think is coming from the valvetrain. I chased a similar noise all over a Chevy 305 V8 once, and it ended up being a weak spring in the mechanical fuel pump. A failing fuel pump could also account for the stumbling, actually, so that would be the first place I’d check. This car’s odometer shows only 92,000 miles, and I tend to believe that’s original. Hearses don’t generally cover a lot of miles.
It’s a little grubby inside, but it still looks comfy in that ’70s luxobarge way. And of course, the front bench seat is the only seat; the entire rear is taken up by the rollers and latches to hold a casket. There’s a casket in the back in the photos – empty, one would hope – but the seller says it isn’t included.
It’s pretty rough outside, with surface rust, rust-through in a few spots, and peeling vinyl on the top, but it also sports the most interesting landau bars I’ve ever seen on a hearse. Look at those things. They’re practically Art Deco. I love seeing such an intricate detail on such a dilapidated old car; they’re like the gargoyles on a decaying stone mansion or something.
In some other parts of the country, these would be parts cars at best, but I bet they both find a home around here. Will either one ever actually get restored? Probably not. Are they worth the asking price? Again, doubtful, but neither are they too far outside the realm of reality, especially for something you can drive home. I’m pretty sure neither would be anyone’s first choice for a project, but today, they are your only choices. So what’s it gonna be?
Gross. No.
If the hearse were nice, sure. But that thing is nasty, and you can’t make it nice for what you can buy a nice one for. A Comet from Michigan? Hope you have a Dave Tracey-sized rust fetish. Has Cali living cured him of that?
I’ll go with the Comet, it’s the Mercury-ized version of the Maverick I had in high school.
Hmm… Coffin-nose or coffin-carrier. I’m thinking the Comet is so rusty underneath that it might increase my likelihood of needing a ride in a hearse. I’ll cut to the chase and just take the hearse while I can sit behind the wheel instead of riding in the back…
Yuck
I had a 74 Maverick decades ago in Florida. Came out of the mall one day only to find the rear bumper on the ground completely disconnected and quite a bit of rust. I’m going for the hearse
I feel like people did not appreciate the dad joke, that was the winning factor for me
If the engine powering the Comet had 2 more cylinders I would have gone for that. I’ll take the Oldsmobile and use as my work truck.
That hearse is just too cool. Today, make mine Oldsmobile.
Both cars are hot messes, but the Comet seems more of a mess. I’ll take the Old. With a few cans of green and gold paint, I can turn it into a great tailgate vehicle for Sacramento Athletics games.
For the longest time I’ve been able to hide behind “your choices are too far away from Michigan to tempt me”, but if you’re going to start picking Michigan options, and they end up being good ones, I’m going to have issues.
That being said, NEITHER of these are “good” options, so I’m safe for today. Still, I’m playing the game so Comet wins. Mostly because the hearse is beat to “death” and the Comet is just not as bad. Or probably haunted.
But the Comet and Vomit today.
In my mind, today’s Ninety-Eight and yesterday’s Barracuda are driven by a couple who look like a younger version of John Doe and Exene Cervenka and play in a couple shockabilly and post-punk bands in Denver. Their daughter’s fine and loves to help Daddy wrench, but they’re worried about their oppositional son who’s taken to wearing polos and Dockers.
My gut is telling me that Comet is rusted out underneath. And the spec it has isn’t in any way desirable and thus, not worth ‘saving’.
So the Oldsmobile gets my vote. I would use that Olds and an occasional towing/hauling vehicle.
And given that the Olds is the gen of GM B-body that was produced right to 1990 in large volumes, parts for it should still be relatively easy/cheap in spite of the B-body being out of production now for 30 years.
If that was a regular Olds ’98, I’d be all over it. I’m not much for hearses though. Most of them are really ugly.
While a hearse expresses the ultimate “you’re gonna get yours”, Chuck D would not be seen cruising down the boulevard in that one.
I find that most people who drive a hearse, are way too much of try hard for my taste.
Voted for the Mercury, but I’m 100% assuming it isn’t a complete rust victim underneath. I like them, and I’d drive it. The hearse doesn’t scare me off, but that particular one isn’t stylish enough nor normal enough, so it’s an ugly duckling of an Olds 98.
A fake muscle car with ridiculous bumpers is just sad. A terrifying, rusty hearse, on the other hand, is Punk As Fuck.
I wanted to vote Comet, because I have whichever screw loose in my head that always gave me a soft spot for Mavericks/Comets, but the rust is scary. The Olds hearse? See username – a “crappy guitar player” can probably guess what I’d use it for. I can use it to haul a lot of gear to a lot of gigs that don’t pay well enough to buy a better gear hauler.
I’ll take the Comet even though I don’t want it, because I want to drive a hearse even less.
When I was in high school a friend’s dad bought a Packard Hearse at auction, I don’t remember what he paid for it, but it was at auction and I am sure it was cheap. Anyway, nobody want to pay for a funeral and have their dearly beloved taken to their final resting place in a shabby hearse. So out of commission shabby (but much exponentially nicer than this one) hearses relatively cheap.
Anyway, the Comet is not exactly eye candy, but I can think of no reason someone would want that nasty ass old hearse. So Comet it is.
These are both terrible. It says a lot that a gross history of hauling dead bodies is the least of the problems here.
Comet for me. Never had a pea green interior before, that will be a fun novelty. Until the rusted floorboards give out and I fall through to the pavement on the highway and get run over. Then that hearse can come get me. It’s a “both” day!
I had to buy 3 sheets of drywall last night for a small project and I was really missing my suburban. It would depend on the dimensions of the hearse opening, but if it can take a 4×8 sheet, I am sold; it’s just a more purpose-built wagon.
Heh. I would make a phony W30 panel delivery out of it. I’ll bet there’s a junkyard Olds 455/Turbo 400 somewhere nearby from an earlier 88/98 that would be a hoot in this thing.
Today is a Both day. Load the Comet into the back of the hearse and drive off a cliff.
Sorry, I’ve been in a bad mood lately.
I’ll take both.When the Maverick….I mean Comet kills me they can send me off in the Hearse.Maybe I should make sure my AAA membership is still paid up.
Comet. As bad as the Comet is, there is no way I am buying a hearse. I don’t have animosity for the hearse design, as it is form following function to some extent, but the build quality from hearses is right up there with stretched limos and RVs – not something you want in any other form than new, and definitely not a 40+ year old version of.
I think they are more akin to station wagons
I think that depends upon what the hearse started life as. My dad went through a fascination with hearses back in the 80s and early 90s, and the ones that started a station wagons didn’t seem to be too bad provided the wheelbase didn’t change. The ones that started life as a car or were stretched were built like garbage and had all kinds of issues. Just like I can’t imagine that build quality has improved for more recent hearses, I can’t imagine that neglected hearse above has somehow improved in build quality over time – it was garbage new, and and is much worse now.
The rather Gothic shape of the Olds’ tail lights really just a chefs chef’s kiss. I’m not sure what I would do with that hearse, since you can only have one “alive“ passenger, but it still takes my vote.
Couple of items of note:
1) The hearse will always have an odor of formaldehyde/embalming fluid and nothing will ever alleviate that.
2) The car needs to be painted black immediately to get the full effect. Once painted, people will be pulling over to let you pass, stand on the side of the road with their hats off, couple of signs of the cross. Every Single Day.
3) Cops will offer you an escort more than they will try to ticket you.
4) Ideally, you will not be working for any hospital/healthcare/insurance vertical and park this in the lot out front of the office
5) If you visit family, expect to be asked to park around the corner/block and walk to the house when visiting
Flames are always a good addition to an out of service hearse. Whether through paint or accelerant is up to you.