It occurs to me that I didn’t really have to do a specific “scary car week.” Most of the time, this column is like an automotive version of Fear Factor anyway. These cars weren’t all that much scarier than the stuff I usually show you. But maybe they’ll inspire a little creativity: Your assignment today is to choose a car, then give me your best horror movie pitch that somehow involves that car.
Yesterday we delved into the fear of the unknown by looking at a couple of cars with practically no description and really bad photos. The Buick Rendezvous won, but it sounds like many of you who voted for it would rather have had a Pontiac Grand Prix – just not that Pontiac Grand Prix. The strange “no test drives” rule scared you off, as it probably should. Something is hinky there.
I actually did buy a car without test driving it once, a 1979 Plymouth Volare that I bought for $175. It had been sitting for a couple of years. I jump-started it, confirmed that it went into both Drive and Reverse, handed over the cash, put $10 of fresh gas in it, and drove it 20 miles home. It ran perfectly for six months until it died right in the middle of Larpenteur Avenue in St. Paul, completely electrically dead. The culprit? A dead ammeter in the dash, through which all the car’s electrical current passed. I bypassed the ammeter, and it ran fine again. And then – here’s the funny part – I sold the car for $400.
I guess you could say cars are scary. Certainly the way some people drive them is scary. But just the very idea of an object, a device, into which we invest so much emotion is frightening. If there’s a ghost in the machine, we put it there. As such, cars have been well represented in the horror genre. Sometimes they’re the star of the show, sometimes they’re one of the good guys, and sometimes they’re a plot point. Your mission, on this day before Halloween, is to pick one of these cars, and come up with a scary scenario involving it. It doesn’t need to be a whole story; just a quick lunch-meeting pitch. If these cars aren’t really any scarier than our normal fare, make them so. Here’s a quick recap so you know what you’re working with.
1976 Chevrolet Camaro LT – $10,500
Camaros always seem to be the bad-guy cars in horror. Buddy Repperton, the ill-fated bully in Christine, drove one. So did that lifeguard dude in Stranger Things. But I can’t see this Camaro as a bad guy’s car. It’s an LT, pretty, but slow. It’s kind of the himbo of Camaros. Neither is it imposing enough to be an evil character on its own. Poor thing can’t even spin its own tires.
Where it could be used, however, is as a hero’s car, especially in a period piece set in the ’70s. Imagine a young paranormal investigator driving this thing around the Pacific Northwest chasing down leads on Bigfoot or something. The Camaro gets dirty, gets involved in a few chases, maybe even banged up a little, but it’s always fine at the start of the next episode.
1981 Porsche 928 – $2,500
A fully-depreciated German GT coupe is scary enough in its own right, especially one that doesn’t run. Your knuckles, sanity, and bank account are all going to suffer greatly putting this heap back on the road. But as a derelict object, a whole bunch of other supernatural possibilities exist. Maybe it’s haunted. But maybe it’s not looking for someone to love it, like Christine; maybe it’s actively trying to die, and doesn’t want to be disturbed.
That’s not bad, actually. How many shadetree mechanics has this old dead Porsche claimed over the years? How many jackstands have slipped, how many fires have started? And yet, somehow, the car survives. The current owner of this one is only alive because he never tried to fix it up; he just let it sit in the garage for twenty years. But what about the next owner?
2001 BMW 540i – $5,800
At first glance, this car actually looks like a good deal. And it may be; it’s well-maintained, more or less stock, and the seller seems to really care about it. But is it too good to be true, like that house in The Amityville Horror? Could there be some demons lurking in its past that only surface once it’s in the hands of a new owner?
That’s one way to go, but looking at this car, I can totally see it as a villain’s car in a horror movie. Some polite, well-dressed, dapper demon here to just ruin your day. Maybe Satan’s attorney, the enforcer who shows up in case of breach of contract. Lawyers drive BMWs, right?
2006 Buick Rendezvous CXL – $1,900
The car in the book and movie Christine is a 1958 Plymouth. The story is set in 1978, meaning that car is only twenty years old. If Stephen King had written that story today, it would be about a 2006 model car. Would it have been a Buick Rendezvous? Probably not. This is just about the least-scary car I can think of. The scariest thing about it is how many times I’ve mis-typed the word “Rendezvous” while writing about it.
Instead, I see this as the car that our doomed protagonists drive to the lake, or the lodge in the mountains, or whatever. The car that mysteriously won’t start when the monster is chasing them, even though it ran fine for the first two-thirds of the movie. Maybe the monster jumps on the roof, or smashes a clawed hand through the windshield. Maybe the final girl traps the monster in the car, and pushes it into the lake. Yeah, that’s not a bad use for this thing.
I guess I just did what I asked you all to do. Whoops. But I bet some of you can come up with better horror scenarios involving these cars. You’ve got all weekend to work on it. Have a happy and safe Halloween, and I’ll see you back here on Monday!
The title: Porsche 928 project $2500 OBO
The premise: a seemingly unfixable orange 1981 Porsche 928 goes through a string of optimistic owners, all of which put their hearts and souls into repairing this car. All go through the same emotional lifecycle: intrigue upon seeing the car, optimism upon buying it, dreams of grandeur before starting work, frustration while working on it, and anguish when they admit failure.
The cumulative strong emotions somehow imbue this car with a magic power… but only if someone can fix it.
The plot: After twelve failures, the thirteenth owner manages to get it running. The owner finds out the car is not only excellent to drive, but occasionally transports him to see interesting places in history. He sees famous sights lost to time. He sees ancient cities, several wonders of the world, and even dinosaurs. And while his car should make him very out of place, the people and animals he encounters are unbothered by his presence. Also, while a 928 is not known for its off road prowess, this vehicle seems to have no problem traversing terrain not intended for any car, much less a sports car. He finds the car can even travel in places that should be too small for the 928 to fit.
One day he finds himself in an ancient Roman city. He explores this city in the 928, seeing ancient stone roads, public baths, temples to Roman gods, and a scenic mountain in the distance. It is a lovely place and it is a nice day. All is good.
The twist: The 928 breaks down (not really that much of a plot twist). He finds himself stuck in this unknown city in this unknown time. Eventually, he discovers the problem and knows he can fix it. It will just take time. Inconvenient, but not that big of a deal. He works on the car as the city’s residents go about their business. There is an occasional rumbling from the distant mountain, but the locals seem unconcerned so he is unconcerned.
The dagger: While fixing the car, he realizes he has heard the locals utter a distinct word several times. It sounds to him like “pohm-pay-ee”. Upon hearing the mountain rumble slightly louder, he realizes with horror that the rumbling mountain in the distance is Mt. Vesuvius. He now knows where he is, but he doesn’t know when he is. But he decides it would be a good idea to work faster nonetheless.
As he leans over to work on the engine, he hears a massive, deafening, disorienting explosion. The world fades to grey and then black as ash rains down…
For scary I went with the 928. I am getting Christine vibes off it. Not the car I would like to have just a good star of horror film.
Try to fix it and everything goes wrong driving (pun intended) the owner into madness. Along with some events that happen along the way.
The Camaro is the scariest and likely the largest waste of money.
Here is the scenario. I buy it, bring it home, take it to DEQ for emission testing, it fails because the 70’s emission controls are missing. I then ship it to my dad in Michigan to sell it as a true rust free car.
Could be a based on real life movie with some minor characters changed.
Based on a shocking, true story ripped from the headlines!
But, just in case, we should probably change the type of tree branch that falls on it too.
Voted for the Camaro, just because I like the looks of this generation and I think it’d be the easiest one to keep running that’s actually worth keeping running.
And now, my story pitch. The camaro is driven by this average-looking girl with glasses who is actually gorgeous but only when she takes the glasses off because Hollywood, she works at some job like seed-bank curator or something where the work is all indoors in windowless places… there’s a bunch of murders in town, and her boyfriend is concerned but then as the movie progresses, we find out the girl is the murderer and a VAMPIRE and in the climax she kills her boyfriend because damnit, I want the cute vampire chick to survive even if she’s not going all-out goth-look because I want her not to be a stereotype even if goth chicks are hot.
Please stop putting pictures of the 928 on the main page where I can see them!!!
I have been very 928 curious and my research tells me nightmare is the tamest term to apply to these things. But then I see something like this and I just want to put it in my garage and start tearing it apart and rebuild it with modern stuff.
A few months (maybe it has been years) ago when there was the field full of 928’s for sale I tried to convince a few friends that if we bought the lot we would surly be able to walk away with a car for each of us. Thankfully my friends talked me out of the plan but now this thing keeps tempting me.
Let me shine this flashlight under my face and tell you kids the terrifying tale of that Porsche 928. Every man who bought it and tried to fix it has died. Not because the car killed them, but because they all died of old age before they managed to get it running again. Spooooooky…
I want the Porsche, but the BMw would be ready immediately and just a better daily. If I was going project car, Porsche.
A arrogant Porsche mechanic with a thing for 928s buys the Porsche locks himself away to do a manual swap and fix all the electrical problems has all the parts he needs and all the time in the world. Then as soon as he closes the shop door he bumps his tool box and all his 10mm sockets fall and roll down the drain. Like twilight zone
Ok, the BMW.
A youngish man buys the car and thinks he’s got the Steal of a Lifetime (our title). The 70 year old guy he buys it from seems nice enough, a real enthusiast who does all his own work and says he has owned the car all his life (which the buyer thinks is a weird thing to say for a 25 year old car). Nevertheless, he signs the title and hands over cash and is on his way.
A year later exactly in a state across the country Cut to him and his wife out for a drive on the backroads at night. The car mysteriously loses power and comes to a stop in the middle of nowhere. He tries the starter and nothing except and eerie red glow from the dash. He gets out and looks under the hood. It is no longer and engine but a red glowing portal. He quickly slams the hood and thinks he will call AAA but as soon as the hood is closed, he sees Him standing there. It’s the guy they bought the car from. How? The old man walks over and says “you didn’t really think that car was a deal for no reason? The youngish man states “why wouldn’t I?’. The old man asks him if he still has the paperwork.. “Yeah it’s in the glove compartment”. He grabs in and slowly reads it. By now it is clear that he had traded his soul for it.
The old man says “yes, your soul but look, tonight I’ll be taking 2 souls. That is quite the steal.
Closing scene is the car for sale again in Puyallup, WA for $5800 and a youngish man and his family drive up with him saying if the car checks out, it’s quite the steal as the seller, a harmless older man, walks toward the car. Fade to black.
That sounds like a good vignette for a Creepshow revival.
Yeah, I guess it’s not really enough for a full movie.
Funny story, I actually drove by that 928 two days ago. I was driving past Eaton Rapids and went “oh it’s a 928…holy cow it’s the 928 of shitbox showdown fame!” Lord knows how many spirits and wallets it’s crushed on it way to being a driveway ornament for a moderate house in a small town in Michigan
This is a cool story!
Now go buy it and start a new journey in life.
It is tempting to buy it because I can, but I don’t think I have enough money, vision, or mechanical skills to resurrect a non-functional German flagship GT car lol
Few do. Glad you know your limits. I don’t have the patience for it anymore myself.
OH now I want to find it on Street View! Do you remember the neighborhood / street it was on?
It’s on Kinneville/Plank road that goes SE out of town. The house it a little bit out of town, I don’t quite remember how much
I think I found the house but don’t see the car. It looked from the listing that they must keep it inside the little single-car garage next to the house.
I won’t post a loc here because that would be uncool… although maybe we could show up at his house and demand candy tomorrow!
Thanks for the chance to look for it!
Young person with some new money, but not rich person money, decides to buy a well maintained old BMW.
Everything is well, until an electrical gremlin rears it’s ugly head.
The poor soul spends so much on trying to fix it, that they go broke and end up living in the car.
Okay, hear me out… Rendezvous with… THE DEVIL!
Our unsuspecting, mild-mannered protagonist needs a vehicle and saunters down to the local BHPH lot where he knows his job’s his credit. Let’s call it “Western’s” so we don’t get sued.
He selects a perfectly cromulent, if a little dinged up Buick Rendezvous, because he didn’t want a minivan and, while he really wanted a Pontiac Aztek, his wife thought those were just a little too edgy since he occasionally has to pick up his disturbingly Calvinist in-laws from the airport and they simply wouldn’t approve.
Unbeknownst to him, the Rendezvous was previously owned by the drummer for a death metal band called “Iblis Elba” who had recently been sentenced to death for the ritual sacrifice of three young women and a small herd of guinea pigs.
It all starts out fine, if a little ominous. But then, after the execution, the drummer’s twisted spirit is drawn back to the Rendezvous, in the seatback storage pocket of which he left his favorite pair of sticks and a half-eaten bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos….
Will he survive? Will he be late to the airport to pick up his in-laws? Will his wife get it on with the drummer’s evil ghost? Who will find the half-bag of Cheetos and, will they burn in the end for all eternity?
Rendezvous with… THE DEVIL!
Coming Soon on Netflix.
While not really scary, the Camaro makes me think of Kronk from the Disney movie The Emperor’s New Groove. He works for the bad guy, but isn’t a bad guy – just too dumb to know he’s a bad guy. The Camaro wouldn’t be the villain’s car, but a henchman who isn’t self-aware enough to realize he’s a henchman, and tries to help both the protagonist and antagonist simultaneously and just sort of bungles everything up.
The Porsche is definitely haunted. Look at the photo above; the front end is mysteriously floating above the jack! /s
One of the Nightmare On Elm Street films has a teenager fall asleep while actually riding his motorcycle, and Freddy slowly becomes the bike, impaling and wiring the teenager to the machine in the worst, most grotesque way (body horror really gets me) until the kid crashes horrifically. I see that scene recreated with the BMW.
A Porsche that they’re not even willing to take off of the jackstands for a photo? I guess they get points for honesty but nope. The Camaro is just a personal thing- I don’t like the styling of that generation and I couldn’t spend more than five minutes in the red interior. That leaves the 540 and the Rendezvous. Given that the most important maintenance on the 540 was recently done, it wins. For the Halloween tie-in, the Buick has bored at least 50 people to death!
I voted Camaro, because it’s what the wannabe bigshot buys thinking it will be the key to his happiness, but it’s cursed and slowly consumes his soul as it tried to reach modern freeway speeds.
The 928? Simple. An overconfident (and probably handsome) car enthusiast buys it, dreams of driving it up and down the California Coast filling his head.
However, things start to go sour. The parts are hideously expensive, but he gets on with it anyway. Then, as soon as it runs, something else breaks. The part prices keep going up. It becomes an obsession. This damn thing will run right or else!
Then the transmission falls on his face, scarring his good looks. His beautiful wife, unable to take anymore, leaves him and takes the kids. He goes bankrupt. Finally the repo men come, for the house and his car. In an obsessive rage he puts them all down in a gory bloodbath.
Cut to 50 years later. The house is run down and overgrown. The man is old and creaky. He still tries to make the car run.
The car still doesn’t run.
Here’s the ending (SPOILER!): The old man hobbles out to the garage. He’s barely able to walk, and he trips on his walker as he sits in the driver’s seat. Breath is labored as he struggles to insert the keys. He knows the outcome, but he’s got to turn it over just once more. Click… and nothing. Even the electrical systems don’t light up. A long breath and the old man falls back in his seat. He is no more. He has been defeated.
Garage exterior. The camera slowly pulls away from the scene. REV! The roar of a 5L V8 and the scene goes black. Ending theme and credits.
I love it!
Weirdly the Camaro seems like it would give the least amount of headaches. Shove a more powerful and more efficient motor into it and enjoy it.
The Porsche. A youngish recently divorced guy buys it to keep busy with something and not think about his failed marriage. He discovers how badly the car needs work and how hard it is to find parts. One day, while working on the car, an older German man walks up to the garage and explains how he used to design electrical systems for Porsche and, in fact, designed parts of this model’s system. The two develop a friendship over the car and the younger guy realizes too late that the older guy is actually a minion of Satan. That’s not the twist though. The twist is that HE ACTUALLY HAD A HAND IN DESIGINING THE CAR!
Trying to resurrect a non-running vintage Porsche sounds as scary as any movie I’ve seen recently.
And probably more financially ruinous than many of the big Hollywood flops lately.
The Camaro stars in a bizarro world remake of The Rockford Files set in the Pacific Northwest, and the protagonist doesn’t have enough horsepower to execute an J turn and escape from the bad guys.
Which one is the scariest? The orange and black Porsche. That’s the one I’d pick to write a scary story about. So that’s how I voted today.
Which of these cars would I want to own? The Camaro hands down. That’s a nice looking car.
The Camaro is the unassuming, shy husband turned serial killer when it’s wife (the green Mustang II) was brutally murdered. It merely broke the jaw of the Buick, but upped the ante significantly by slitting the throat of the BMW (note the long trail of fresh transmission fluid). At the end it crucified and disembowled the final boss Porsche.
The Camaro is a Jack and the Beanstalk tale, except it is a gritty, realistic, modern take. You give your nephew $11,000 to go to town to buy a nice, safe used CRV. On the way, he meets Honest Larry at Honest Larry’s buy here pay here lot. He is convinced that if he buys a red Camaro, he will become irresistible to women and that his electric guitar skills will improve by 10,000%, launching him to rock superstardom. He spends the CRV money without a second thought.
Instead of reliable transportation, he shows up in this turd. That’s it. That’s the story. No magic, no redemption, just an ugly, slow, wart of a car.
I can’t imagine anything scarier. Other than being saddled with the Rendezvous, that is.
I thought this story was going to go a different way. The jack is a literal jack underneath the 928, and the beanstalk is the size of joint the owner has to be smoking in order for it to seem like a reasonable idea to own it.
I voted for the Buick.
The scary movie will be called “Rendezvous”.
The scary bit will be that I bought a Rendezvous.
Again.
Rendezvous deux?
You can’t call the film “Rendezvous”. That’s too close to the classic C’etait un Rendezvous. The Buick is in no way up to starring in anything that evokes the original.
The Buick is the lady on the side street that the protagonist is briefly held up by.
Like Groundhog Day, but with Buick Rendezvous ownership.
*shudder*