I did not intend to become an Internet businessman, but while other writers were doing the five-knuckle shuffle to pics of McLarens I studied the blade. And, by “the blade” I mean programmatic advertising. I sort of understand it now. Maybe. One thing I know is that the peak of rates for display ads every year is usually right around the last two weeks of November. Ergo, if I could have the highest traffic any day I’d probably pick November 19th. Other than a nationwide internet blackout or a Walton Goggins-heavy new season of Justified, I can’t imagine what could get people from reading posts on this website on November 19th.
Oh, wait, I just thought of a thing.
Those unrepentant assholes at Rockstar Games, after spending a few trillions dollars and what feels like 40 years making a sequel to Grand Theft Auto V, are going to release their little game on that exact day. How am I supposed to run a website? How am I supposed to feed my children?
Look at the extended preview for Grand Theft Auto VI posted yesterday (link here, note it’s very violent):
This is just a little gameplay preview and it’s about as long as an episode of Frasier. It’s been up for less than a day and it’s already clocked more than 8.9 million views. It’s not even that exciting at first. It’s just two people walking around a dope house getting shot at.
They don’t even drive a car until like 12 minutes in!
We are so boned.
Here’s what Ashley Wong from The Wall Street Journal wrote on LinkedIn:
The last GTA game came out in 2013, so the demand is now sky-high. When I first heard that people were requesting time off from work to play GTA6, I figured it would just be a handful of die-hard fans. Instead, I found scores of people who already have a few days to a few weeks of vacation time blocked off.
Many of the fans I spoke to fell in love with the franchise as teenagers. It’s been so long since GTA5 came out that now they’re fully grown adults with disposable income and the freedom to set their own schedules. One gamer I spoke with is taking off 10 days from work. Others are meal-prepping and waking up at 1 a.m. to start the game, all to maximize gameplay and minimize distractions. Even the U.S. Army is taking advantage of the hype to motivate soldiers.
The US Army is letting soldiers have time off if they’re willing to re-enlist. It’s basically The Entertainment from Infinite Jest, except real and not a metaphor. And it also probably takes longer to finish.
Just look at the cars! They play at least one Phil Collins song! They pull at least one Die Hard! They go full Nakitomi Plaza!
That’s basically a Blackwing, right? That’s so cool.
The last large, world-building game I finished (and may ever finish) was GTA V, which came out before my daughter was born. I started it, got busy, and put it aside. As soon as I knew a kiddo was on the way I quickly began to grind through it to the finish. It’s taken so long for a new one to come out my kid can vote.
Well, she can vote in the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards. It’s been a while.
Now I’m starting to realize that we might not even have everyone here to write it, let alone read it. Maybe Griffin? He’s young, no kids, so if he calls in sick I will not believe him. Mercedes? Married, but young. Thomas. Absolutely no way Thomas shows.
David has a young kid, he’s not playing that game in front of Delmar. Jason is maybe the wild card, as I wouldn’t be surprised if he somehow managed to get it running on one of his Apple IIs.
Maybe I’ll just put up pages from my novel that week.
Look forward to Booktopian, everyone…
Top photo: Rockstar Games
I don’t really game. I bought some handhelds for retro games a few years ago just because but still even don’t really play those. I mainly played 3, vice city, san andreas. Dabbled with 4. I had a flight sim setup for a bit but haven’t used that in a long time.
I feel like there are going to be a lot of disappointment around this gta 6 release. My daughter was trying to talk me into to buying it and a system to play it. Apparently my nieces are doing the same with their dad. They all had to have a switch but this has them interested. Seems like a very strange situation.
It likely already exists, but an Autopian spin on the pantheon of GTA cars would be a fun read.
now this I would be up for reading on the 19th.
I never read the articles you write about video games anyway – including the one above.
I just came here to confirm that for you.
I promise I’ll check in on the site, but yeah, I already took that Thursday and Friday off. Think of the upside though, with how many genuine car nerds Rockstar has on their staff and how detailed VI is looking to be, I’m sure you can get a few fun articles about cars in the game.
I took Friday off and hopefully Thursday will be a light workload day so I can maybe head out early. I’m really excited to see the cars in GTA VI, GTA online has gotten some great cars over the years. There’s some cars in the trailers and gameplay overview that I’m definitely excited to drive in game
I played the shit out of GTA3 – so much so that I know better than to get involved with any of the others.
I clicked so I guess it worked.
I’m completely indifferent about grand theft auto games, so I’ll be here reading and trying my best at witty retorts.
I still haven’t mastered Outrun.
I have spent vacation time playing GTA games, but not this time.
I don’t have a current console and honestly I’m only interested in online play. Rockstar stomped on their own junk launching online for GTAV. I’ll wait until they figure things out this time around.
They also seem to a good one and then a bad one. Considering the success of GTA V, this could be their bad one. I don’t want to gas up a stolen car just like I didn’t want to eat, go to the gym or spend 15 minutes getting to the north of the map to keep a gf happy in San Andreas.
I really only play enough to get competitive cars for racing. I’m probably better off with an iracing setup. It will be able to run this when they release for PC, which should be after they have their online stuff sorted out.
How ridiculous is the fuel consumption going to be? I’ve never driven a car long enough in GTAV to be worried about the fuel level. They’re going to have to make fuel consumption completely stupid for this to have any role in the game.
I thought the same thing! Oh super, I have to eat and go to the gym now?! My stolen cars can run out of gas?
I can’t wait for the expansion packs that’ll require me to empty the dishwasher, mow the yard, and spend 20 minutes on the toilet doomscrolling.
It will probably be in there.
I think this may be the shitty release between good ones, which sucks since there was a decade+ wait for it.
I bought the Trilogy Remastered games (on disk!) a couple months ago for like $15.
Tempted to just play that (or restart RDR 2) this fall, since it seems like every launch these days is a buggy mess. At minimum I’ll wait to see how the initial feedback is before I plunk down good money.
Or as I think about other hyped up games that were buggy messes, maybe I should grab Cyberpunk.
What do they consider the trilogy? We’re talking about the launch of GTA 6, so the trilogy is going to be missing a couple of hits.
I have to find the box, but I think GTAV came on seven or eight DVDs by itself (and then required a day of downloaded updated before playing).
The “Trilogy” is GTA 3, Vice City, and San Andreas that were “remastered”. It apparently isn’t the best, but for $15 the games should still be fun.
https://store.rockstargames.com/game/buy-grand-theft-auto-the-trilogy-the-definitive-edition
I’m curious to hear how Vice City is in the remastered version. I tried to play that game last year and it wasn’t as amazing as I had remembered.
Also, I just re-watched that episode of Sunny last night.
I’ll show you what it’s like to be DEEP inside a really big house!
VIC VINEGAR
Cyberpunk is fantastic!
Yes, I understand the devs kept at it and fixed it up.
Matt that clip is age restricted. I assume as I am a grown up semi mature adult I am too old to watch it. Really isn’t there something a little more adult and healthy the younger generations can get addicted to? Like Smack or heroin?
I can’t play at work so The Autopian will have to suffice.
I don’t recall if the membership application asked any demographic questions, but if it doesn’t, it should. I suspect the readership is mostly male, but the age range is likely 20-75. I’m not a gamer, and I doubt my computer could handle GTA VI even at the lowest resolutions. So I’ll be here.
I’m roughly 12% through GTA 5 after picking it up a few years ago. Just never had time for it, but with my daughter now living in the dorms and work settling back to a mere 50 hours a week or so I thought it would be fun to re-visit. Once I’m done I’ll look at getting a PS5 and pick up GTA 6, or just go over to my daughter’s place and check it out as she’ll probably have graduated college by then. So yeah, I’ll be here on 11/19.
Speaking of, I remember getting the Minecraft Edition Xbox for her for Christmas when it came out. It took something like 8 f’ing hours to get that up and running. Apparently the Microsoft servers were getting absolutely crushed and yet everything needed to be updated before we could so much as place a single block. I hope Rockstar, Sony, and more than a few internet providers are dutifully prepared.
LOL, “getting a PS5″… have you seen prices recently? This whole AI catastrophe has made it impossible to buy a PC, a console, and soon to be a cell phone at a reasonable price. The 9900X + X870E motherboard + 32GB of RAM I got in November? for 599 would now cost me somewhere around 1400.
Ouch – I was aware of increasing prices, but haven’t looked too closely. Sounds like I may have to liquidate one of my lesser fleet vehicles in order to afford one by the time I’m ready to buy.
I did notice at work our PC-replacement schedule has slowed considerably. I chalked it up to all the winning, but I guess AI should also get some of the credit. That price increase since November is nuts.
Yeah I’ve legitimately thought about upgrading my phone and Macbook early before prices rise any further.
If you are waiting anyway you might have better luck with an older generation PC instead of a PS5 and paying a monthly fee to PS. GTA should run on older cheaper hardware.
That’s a good call – I’ve wanted to get back into flight-simming as well, and I’m way overdue for a new(ish) PC.
I’ve tried to finish GTA 5 several times but I keep getting bored or distracted. The main storyline doesn’t do anything for me, Franklin is ok but Michael and Trevor are not. I really enjoy and appreciate the game world though, Rockstar and Ubisoft are the best at making large detailed worlds.
I did 100% on GTA San Andreas before my daughter was born. Now that she’s gone off to college, I could theoretically get into this…but I’d rather read The Autopian.
And replay San Andreas.
I probably ‘prestiged’ vice city a couple of times. GTA V I have played almost exclusively online.
I expect I’ll be busy that day following the ongoing saga of conservative candidates loudly challenging in the news – but not in the courts which sometimes still insist upon evidence – every election race they didn’t win and deliriously accusing liberals of stealing another election, all while the president demands blue states stop counting mail-in ballots and threatens to send the national guard to impound ballot boxes and voting machines in every state where Republicans lost a seat.
Don’t worry the Republicans will keep control of all 3 levels. Their isn’t a sane Democrat Candidate for president and no way the socialists win outside a fucked up blue state.
That frankly sounds annoying, instead you should read the Autopian.Com, it’s the #1 website for cotomer sevis.
Although I owned a Pong setup when Pong was the only home video game system made, I have never owned another one since and still don’t. Sixty years (3 generations) of home video game marketing somehow failed to engage me.
So I have no idea what you’re talking about, and I’m being annoyingly smug about it.
I’m adopted did your mom give away a twin at birth?
That might explain why I talk to myself in the plural!
I’ll be here. I’m thinking GTAVI is $15 of game in a $100 suit. Rockstar has been steadily bleeding the fun and spontaneity out of the series as it is TOTALLY A SERIOUS CRIME DRAMA YOU GUYS.
Meanwhile, I’m still pissed at failing missions because I wasn’t parked in the correct tan colored circle at the trigger point the
godsdevs intended.Well, I won’t be playing GTA, so I’ll be clicking. Unless of course I decide to go to Mexico that week… hmm.
I like playing video games, especially driving video games. But I am not a gamer. The last time I spent significant time with any video game was the late ’90s with Goldeneye on N64 (college apartment-mate had it in the living room). Well, I guess there was a bunch of time invested into Angry Birds, too, but still probably less. I hate violent video games, though (ironic that it was Goldeneye, I know…) And every video game is violent.
Thus, I will definitely not be interested in whatever the latest claptrap Rockstar has gestated is.
I’m pretty sure the last video game I played was that sit down racing game called Pole Position. I think it was in the mid 80s.
I’ve never played it myself but know people that love it, and I suspect you may enjoy the crap out of snowrunner and the related games
I think my son had Snowrunner and some other trucker games where your mission was to carry out serfdom
I know the truck simulator games you’re talking about, and as I said I never played it, but as I understood it snowrunner and now that I remember the name mudrunner were more a difficult off-road obstacle course simulator.
I for one am very excited to hear about Matt’s novel.
Yeah! What the hell is it about, Matt?
Rumor has it that it’s a romanticy involving an Avanti and a vampire salesman.
You misread it. It’s a column about Matt’s Navel
I’d read that.
I don’t play video games. I’ll be here.
I’m offended and appalled that you would accuse me of purchasing full-price games on launch before they’ve been tested and reviewed! This type of name-calling needs to be nipped in the bud by the Editor in Chief!
For the record, I changed this from the F word to the A word as a compromise.
Should I put my foot down as EIC and NOT curse at our readers? Maybe. But I’m being told that I’m “not fun,” so in an effort to combat that, you’re just going to have to deal with that headline. Assholes.
You fucker! (don’t ban me please)
Title got me to read the article immediately no waiting
To be fair the video has the F-word in it roughly infinity plus 12 times.
Frick
You make me now wonder – did Battlestar Galactica ever use the noun form, frackers?!
You fargin’ icehole.
Wow…A “Johnny Dangerously” quote in 2026, LOL!!!
“You bastidge…I rip your balls in a meat grinder!”
“Mother fracker”, in fact.
Frack
When somebody says “asshole”, they’re usually talking to me, so no offense taken.
TBH until the end of the post I was wondering what the A word and F word were for you. A as in Applesauce and F as in Foot Pounds of Pressure. Of course you could have compromised and settled with Fucking Assholes
Was the F word “Fucking Cunts”?
Haha, fuckers is still in the URL
Yea David, you tryin’ to get me fired????
🙂
The network TV and airline version of this post is going to replace it with the classic “Scum-bum,” generated by an AI impersonation of a Jackie Gleason impersonator.
Fuddle duddle!
Who you callin’ an asshole, fucker?!!
Actually, I got a big kick out of that headline. Maybe because being an asshole is part of my manly essence. But you’re not a fucker, David, or at least not in the negative colloquial sense. I won’t hazard any guesses beyond that and now this is going off in weird directions and I’m just going to quit typing.
lol!
“How many assholes do I have on this ship?!” ::entire crew in unison:: “YO!!” “I knew it, I’m completely surrounded by assholes.”
I may take advantage of the site’s productivity crater to set up the Windows (ptooey) laptop with some stuff from Good Old Games. Various Dooms, Quakes, and Wolfensteins – might be a Hexen in there, too.
Or I’ll dust off that ancient PC in the basement and see if it will still run Need for Speed: Hot Pursuit.
Nice! I might suggest Blood, from the now defunct Monolith Productions(thanks WB!!) as a great camp horror FPS. Long as yer good with the protagonist’s one liners being a recycling of Bruce Campbell’s Evil Dead and Army of Darkness greatest hits