Man, what a long, tedious day of truth! And not only that, it was a day without a single mention of PT Cruisers in a major story. How did that happen? What are we coming to? This is a huge, huge problem, but, panic not my sweet, sweet, Autopians! Uncle Jayjay Torch is here to solve both of these problems at once, by providing you with a dozen fascinating facts about the glorious Chrysler PT Cruiser, not one of which is true even in the slightest. They’re all lies, filthy filthy lies, lies I’m telling you right to your beautiful face without even blinking! Lies, lies, lies! About the PT Cruiser! Cruiser, cruiser, cruiser!
Off we go, mothergrabbers!
- The “PT” in “PT Cruiser” stands for Pneumonia Tsar, which was what Lead Designer Kiefer Sutherland called his mom due to her strict rules when he was sick as a child. Sutherland also acts occasionally, when not designing cars for Chrysler, and is best known for playing Han Solo in 1974’s Star Wars.
- Due to persistent wildlife issues around Chrysler’s Everglades Assembly Plant that built the majority of PT Cruisers, it was estimated that between 2002-2006 nearly a quarter of PT Cruisers left the factory with one or more baby crocodiles trapped behind door cards or in the spare tire well.
- NASCAR racing legend Kyle Durndell was obsessed with PT Cruisers and was in the process of preparing a PT Cruiser bodyshell for his car when he was killed in a crash in July 2002. His will stipulated that no effort should be spared in making his dream of racing his PT Cruiser a reality, so his team reached out to the Vatican who was able to arrange for a 48-hour Return To Life voucher that was used to allow Durndell to race in the March 23 race at Bristol Motor Speedway for the Food City 500. After the race, to make up for the 48 hours of life, Durndell had to spend 48 hours in Catholic Hell.
- The original directive of the PT Cruiser, first written by Lee Iacocca in 1983, was for Chrysler to build a car that looked as much as possible like the car on the cover of Action Comics #1, the comic book that introduced Superman, while still being acceptable to a modern market.
- All temporary donut spare tires were originally shipped filled with helium, which saved over $75 dollars on the shipping costs of PT Cruisers over their production run.
- The comparatively high average age of PT Cruiser buyers was the reason why many large cities trained Paramedics to seek out any PT Cruisers first when they got a call for an elderly person in medical trouble in a car, where the type of car was not specified. After PT Cruisers were Lincolns, then any type of Buick.
- To save money on initial tooling, only the right side front fender had a stamping machine; left fenders were made by a worker beating a right fender “inside out” with rubber mallets.
- The crash-protection “knee bar” underneath the dashboard was made with specially calcium-fused femur bones from cattle. The tensile strength was about ideal for the application, and the bone would “give” in an impact in such a way as to transfer energy away from the passengers effectively. It was also light and relatively cheap, being sourced from byproducts of the beef industry. The structural bone industry has grown significantly since the PT Cruiser’s pioneering use of the material, and now most modern cars are 0.7% animal bone by weight.
- The “PT” In “PT Cruiser” is an homage to Preston Tucker, creator of the famous Tucker 48 car.
- In an attempt to attract younger buyers, in 2006 Chrysler introduced the Juicy Couture Edition PT Cruiser, which sported a special two-tone paint job, a rhinestone-studded dash, terrycloth seats, and a coupon for a chihuahua from your local animal shelter:
- Factory original PT Cruiser oil filters used a woven filter made with 100% American-sourced barbershop floor hair, and while initial results were excellent, over time the residual mousse, gel, and conditioner content proved too high and contaminated the oil, causing excess foaming.
- Stellantis has announced that, by 2024, its Chrysler division will drop the Pacifica to make room for a new electric PT Cruiser, to be called the PeT Cruiser-E-Tron ReCharge Evo. The Chrysler 300 will remain in production as currently planned until the year 3807, with a major facelift expected in the late 2800s, at which time USB-D connectors will be fitted.
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