Just in case any of you out there aren’t feeling your best, or are perhaps having some difficulties with self-confidence or esteem or pleasure or whatever else you’d like to hang off the end of the hyphen after “self-,” I’d like to offer some help. I’d like to help by providing you an opportunity to compare yourself with me, a colossal, irredeemable idiot, and as a result feel far better about who you are and the choices you’ve made. Let me just get this self-flagellation out of my system and then we can all move on, hopefully cleansed and refreshed.
I know our own David Tracy tends to get most of the guff and ridicule about having a fleet of cars where running ones are rarer than fish cardigans, but he is by no means alone here; I, too, am such a fool, possibly worse. Probably worse. At this moment, only one of my cars in my fleet of five personal cars (I’m not counting the Tiguan, because it’s primarily my wife’s car, and its continued operation is only the result of a demonic deal I’ve made where it just gets to consume entire paychecks at will when it wants, with obvious relish and cruelty) is currently running, and that one I fixed over the weekend with a bit of garden hose.
So, if you don’t feel like reading all of this, here’s your takeaway: I suck. I co-run The World’s Finest Automotive Website (don’t check on that) and yet somehow I’m also incapable of keeping my fleet of miserable shitboxes going. Just to really make this stick in my spongy brains, let’s go through each vehicle one-by-one so we know the status of everything:
1973 Volkswagen Beetle
I think this is the one I’m the most ashamed of. The Beetle needed its carbs synched and cleaned a while back, so, in a burst of wildly misplaced optimism, I pulled them off, thinking I’d get them all nice and ready and pop them back on and be buzzing around in my beloved air-cooled little pal in no time.
Then, I decided to start a new car website and all the usual life stuff and days turned to weeks then months and months and those two Kadron carbs are still sitting there on the workbench, next to a barely-started painting I was making for David’s birthday last year, the whole sad pile forming a tiny grim temple to that cruelest of gods, Procrastinus, and the terrible grip he has on my stupid little life.
The poor Beetle has been sitting carbless for so long that the engine seems to have seized up, based on its unwillingness to turn the last time I tried to get it started. I’ve since poured some Marvel Mystery Oil in there in the hopes of freeing everything up, but have I been out there to try and test it yet, and get the process of resurrection started? No. Because, again, I’m an idiot.
It deserves better than this. This one is my biggest shame, and hurts the most.
1990 Nissan Pao
Okay, this one at least isn’t really my fault, but it stings the most because the Pao was my go-to daily driver, and my most reliable car. That little 987cc, 53 horsepower engine never let me down. Unfortunately, certain large fauna in my area hate to see me happy, and one of those stupid deer bolted out in front of my Pao last October, putting the car out of commission.
The bodywork was done months ago, but there was a pinhole leak in the radiator that the shop missed. As a result, while being tested after the bodywork fixes, the engine overheated and cooked the head gasket. So now it has to have that fixed, and because it’s all part of the initial deer-strike, insurance will cover it, but it’s taking forever. One shop took it and then decided they couldn’t do it so its off to another one and I just want it done and I miss my little car so much please please just fix my damn car.
One upside: with the head off, I’ll get the timing belt and water pump replaced, so this little JDM beast should be nice and ironclad for a good while. Once I get it back.
2020 Changli Freeman
Et tu, Changli? Regular Autopian readers may recall that the majestic Changli, the Cheapest Car In The World, finally let me down after two years of pretty damn near trouble-free ownership. After doing some tests, I found that two of the 12V batteries in the 60V battery pack were only showing between 7 and 9 volts or so. So, I reached out to our sponsor, Optima Batteries, maker of batteries that produce the finest, creamiest, smoothest electricity known to man, and they should be hooking me up with a new batch to install.
But they’re not here yet, so the Changli sits, immobile and petulant.
1989 Ford F-150
Yes, even the legendary reliability of the Ford 4.9-liter inline-six doesn’t seem to be immune from the powerful enshitification field my body seems to be emitting non-stop. I was driving The Marshal around a lot recently, throwing canoes and large loads of rubbish in the bed and generally enjoying the crap out of the ruggedly charming workhorse. Last weekend, though, in the middle of a torrential rainstorm, the serpentine belt jumped off a pulley, denying the truck electrical power, pumped coolant, power steering, A/C, everything.
I got it back on by skipping the A/C condenser, but I’m having a bear of a time getting it back on properly, mostly because of a fierce spring-loaded tensioner that seems more like a trap to crunch human fingers into little soft sausages of goop than any sort of engine part. I’ll get it figured out, but I’d love to know why the belt jumped off before I drive it regularly again, and I’m stumped so far.
1977 Dodge Tioga RV
I’m not even sure why I’m including this one, as not only has it not run for years, but even if it did it would hardly make a rational daily driver, seeing as how it’s a house on wheels and would require me to re-finance my non-wheeled house every time I filled it up with gas. It’s got a massive Dodge 440 under the hood, and I bet whatever is wrong with it is well-known and understood. Could be a timing chain problem. Anyway, the plumbing was all replaced before it decided motility wasn’t its calling, so at least you can enjoy a comfortable shit in it.
1991 Yugo GV Plus: The one that now runs
You may remember a couple weeks ago I took the Yugo to a local car show, where it debased the McLarens and Ferraris that surrounded it with a dirty sort of glee. As I left, encouraged by the tiny crowd, I laid some rubber by dumping the clutch, at the cost of my throttle cable, which broke under the strain of, well, throttling.
I rigged up a crappy fix that left me stranded on the side of the road last week, and then rigged up another crappy fix to get home, determined to fix it at least 40% less crappily, which I believe I did.
The throttle cable setup on a Yugo is incredibly simple: a little braided steel cable with a loop at one end that’s fed through a little flexible rubber conduit, the other end going through a loop in the gas pedal arm. My problem was the old cable’s loop broke, and the conduit was pretty janky as well, so when I finally made and clamped a new loop on the end, I couldn’t get the cable back through the conduit, and I couldn’t just run the bare cable through the engine bay because there’s too much there for it to bind on or too many hoses and wires that the cable would abrade away over time. I needed some kind of channel for the cable.
No local auto parts stores had any Yugo accelerator cables, and no one seemed to have any generic ones I could adapt, frustratingly. Finally, I realized that, hey, all this sleeve has to do is keep the cable moving easily and not harming anything else, so pretty much anything that can do that would work, right?
That’s when I grabbed an old garden hose, cut it to length, ran the throttle cable through there, and jammed it in place. It works! Really well, actually, and I think the bright green really livens up the engine bay there, too.
Considering I once got this thing back on the road with two hose clamps and a rock, this feels pretty on-brand for the Yugo. Plus, at 67 hp, this thing is actually fun to whip around like an idiot, which, as you will recall, we have confirmed that I clearly am.
So, this is my confession: I’m a drooling simpleton with six cars and the only currently running one is a Yugo that’s relying on 18 or so inches of garden hose to keep working. This is an absolutely insipid and ridiculous position to be in, and I have no one but myself to blame.
Well, myself and that stupid deer. But the deer is dead, and I’m still here, doing what I dearly hope isn’t the best I can.
I spend approximately 90% of my available free time doing what I call “fleet maintenance.” The only reason that I’m not currently embroiled in a project is because I am choosing to ignore glaring issues.
By the way, I checked the math, and turns out this actually is the World’s Finest Automotive Website because it is the only one with Torch and Tracy.
Dear Jason, thanks for sharing.
It’s nothing to worry about and totally normal for us old car geeks.
For comparison, here my current fleet status, which I’m not too proud of either:
1991 Figaro: Runs
1962 Porsche 356: Kinda runs, but not smoothly at all speeds
1977 BMW R75: Runs
1967 Citroën DS: Bought a new carburetor last year, but haven’t fitted it yet. So nope.
1966 M-B W111 Coupé: Needs clutch (it’s a manual) and brake service, and exhaust leak fix.
1971 VW Convertible: Starts, but has big floor pan rust hole under battery (&more)
1969 MZ Trophy: Won’t even start. I must learn to speak two-stroke first, I think.
Oh, and I’m just so amazed, the Yugo has a (simple) fuel injection system!
Over here you had to get a Citroën CX/XM or an E-class or something similar expensive and big to get fuel injection at that time.
Jason. As a lifelong bicycle mechanic I can say for sure that a cable and housing would solve your throttle issue. I made a hood release with a bike shift lever and cable for my 93 DelSol. Attached the hood with bike brake bolts too, actually now that I’m thinking about it I also attached the rear bumper cover with bike parts as well. There seems to be a theme. Parts were free.99 so that was the impetus for using them.
Bike mechanics have to be clever, because any shop that’s been around for more then a decade has had to deal with 8-10 decades of bike technology and change. I don’t know another industry where someone walks in with a 95 year old antique and wants a tune up. While you are also working on a bike with electric shifting (which is stupid BTW). These posts of yours make me feel like I’m not a crazy garage monster. Keep it up.
“… it just gets to consume entire paychecks at will when it wants, with obvious relish and cruelty…”
Why would you hide the relish? Pickles are delicious!
I’m willing to bet we could gather a group of local enthusiasts who would be willing to pitch in on your projects and be paid in marker drawings.
For your F150 take a look at the tensioner pulley. MY ’93 4.9 had the belt hope off a couple times and it ended up being a bad pulley…it was bad enough to cause the belt to occasionally hope off, but not bad enough to make any noticeable noise. I also always kept a breaker bar with the socket size for the pulley in the truck to put the belt back on just in case, they have a rather high pre-load.
I hereby apply for an auxiliary shitbox writer position.
My qualifications:
I have the following perfectly good but non-running vehicles:
1972 Fiat 500 – ate its cylinder head. New head sitting on bench for 2 years now
1964 Austin Healey – wrecked it. Spent the insurance money. So sad.
1917 Stephens touring car – broke a side shaft that runs the generator/distributor. Must remove, measure, spec, and have one machined. Needs space to disassemble and shop is jammed with other broken cars.
1992 Spec Miata – needs fluid changes, battery charge, new tires, safety equipment replacement (seat belts, etc.) But the weather is so bloody hot…
1956 Lotus Race Car – wrecked and partially repaired. Needs an aluminum panel beater / artisan. Mechanical bits ready to assemble for last 5 years. Lost the momentum. Also very sad.
This probably hurts my case but I must admit that I actually have the following working vehicles:
1976 BMW 2002 – just put back on road, pretty, runs like a top, daily driver
1964 Corvair Monza Coupe – restored 3 years ago, also runs like a top but is currently awaiting a new coil. Should be fixed this week.
1990 Miata – also runs like a top but is back at a shop because they screwed up a simple timing belt for its 180,000 mile service. I was smart to outsource the work but this is what happens when you don’t do it yourself.
2003 Toyota Tundra – just works, because, well, its a Toyota
Here is my dick response: Stop writing about how bad you feel about leaving your old lumps hanging and start writing about how you fixed them. I’m sure you could make an interesting enough article about rebuilding/sycing VW carbs or getting a custom-made cable for the Yugo. It all generates content..
Non-dick response: Including the derelict RV you obviously do not have immediate plans for and omitting the functional Tiguan is just unnecessarily piling on. Also – the Pao is out of your hands. Frustrating, but not your fault.
I feel like you could use at least like a scooter of some sort for emergency auto-parts store runs or what not. Or even a back up Chang Li, maybe a truck version.
Fort the Yugo. An alternate solution to your actual fire hasard. Perhaps use the screws on the valve cover to install wire guide pulleys ( something like in the link below) mounted on generic brackets to get the desired height and angle. Use a bicycle brake cable with the housing to protect the adjacent spaghetti of hoses and loose wiring, cut the bell end of one end cap to use as a ferrule to crimp on the cable to stop the housing from interfering with the wire guides. To manage the tension, a mini turnbuckle installed near the end of your routing. Voilà , probably less than 30$
https://www.tthme.com/?product_id=56423893_29
I can totally relate to having a fleet of absolute beaters, and a very hectic life, along with a normal very scattered brain making it hard to focus on little things that need to get done. I commute 3 hours a day, have a band, aspiring youtube channel, a family, and a BUNCH of project cars.
Getting medicated for my ADHD, and realizing an hour a day vs trying to commit the perfect day to a project is the way to go about it. An hour a day will make the jackstands go away. Just make sure you leave your projects off at a good stopping point so you aren’t constantly running to the store to buy bolts and stuff anytime you want to turn wrenches.
I am super excited to see the Changli tear up the pavement again with the Optima battery swap.
Jason, you totally need to add a Trabant to your fleet. Daily that shit!
Serpentine tensioners respond well to Harbor Freight breaker bars and creative use of ratchet straps. Also check all the various idlers and bearings. #1 son’s Corolla had a tensioner pulley explode and the replacement didn’t run right until he realized it was installed backwards.
I feel blessed that everything in my fleet starts and runs, although every vehicle except the Mazda CX-5 has some blood and swearing from a major repair in the garage or driveway. Perhaps a sacrifice is necessary to keep a vehicle running well. Then again my oldest 4 wheel vehicle is a 2002, while my motorcycle is a 78.
I feel the pain of not having time to work on a vehicle. My 2000 Ranger glittered its oil back in January. Of last year. I’ve been trying to make time to pull the engine and swap it for a reman, but it’s been sitting for far too long. 70+ hour weeks will do that.
For extra credit on the guilt, I rebuilt the current engine about 130,000 miles ago. It’s not a lack of ability, tools, or even facilities. It’s just the time.
I hope optima is sending you the fanciest AGM batteries for your Changli. With a “car” that small every little bit helps.
It’s cool man. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’ve been very busy entertaining us lately. I almost felt a bit guilty reading this article.
Seeing that engine bay makes me want to replace that bit of garden hose with some glow-in-the-dark tubing in the same color…
That green garden hose is a better mod than cold air intakes. Not only is it better looking, it actually works.
Torch… I think a friendly call to Robert at Aging Wheels might be in order regarding the Yugo, he’d love it! Sure, he can give advice on Yugo repair (and mods!)… he’ll likely have great input on your other various hoopties and he’d freak out over your Ghang Li.
My father in law had a very similar 4.9/5.0 F-150. I was riding along on the express way going somewhere with him about a decade ago, and the serpentine belt got thrown.
He used a 2×4 out of the bed to activate the tensioner.
How’s the parts situation with the Pao? Do you need to overnight everything from Japan? Are the parts even available from Japan?
I was hoping for an update about the ChangLi, since your article about its latest woes. By the way, try adding distilled water to the cells of the two bad batteries. I’ve completely revived caput old batteries by doing that — and the simple fix kept them going again for years.
(…after trickle-charging them, of course)
Can indeed testify to the viability of a bicycle brake cable (make sure it’s brake cable & not shifter cable, the former’s a bit more robust for obvious reasons) as my kid & I used one to replace the unobtainum accelerator cable on his 1982 Subaru station wagon & it worked well for years aside from one occasion when the bolt securing the cable end to the accelerator pedal came loose. We used bare cable & snaked it through the accelerator cable’s housing but you might be able to make use of the housing that comes with the bicycle brake cable (it’s hard to find just the cable on the shelves in bike shops nowadays, as bicycle cables are usually sold as assemblies, that is, the cable is already installed inside the housing) though such an approach would be lacking the je na sais quoi that the bright green garden hose has…
A good bike shop should have plenty of bare cables available. If not eBay and Amazon do. I’ve had good luck with Bell’s Bike Shop out of Philly for random spare parts
Yeah, just not always on the shelves, at least around here. I’ll ask the techs in the back for cables, as they almost always indeed do have bare cables on hand, but I just prefer to be able to get something off the shelves. Sometimes techs can be quite good about selling such components but sometimes it can be a crapshoot even within the same shop on different days where techs will be rude or reluctant. Oh well.
Random spare parts from eBay, that is
Just replace the tensioner on the Ford, 95% of the time thats why they jump. Potential other reason, water pump pulley could have a little play in it
I don’t think it was as old as your F-150, but the Aerostar I had, if I remember correctly, had a square depression/hole/notch in the tensioner arm, sized so you could attach a breaker bar there to give you leverage.
I’m pretty sure my first wife’s ’79 Mustang’s 302 had an early serpentine belt, and I’m pretty sure its tensioner also had a 1/2″ square hole for a breaker bar.