Welcome back to Shitbox Showdown, where we go hunting for lawn ornaments. Today, we’re getting apocalyptic with it. You know, cars that would probably still exist if something world-altering happened tomorrow. But first, let’s check in to see which of our Hawaiian machines emerged victorious.
Return of the Mack, baby. The Mini is great, but the SL500 is just baller, so I’m not surprised it got the win. Anyway, let’s talk about cars for the end of the world. Dirt-cheap, indestructible machines that’ll keep going with virtually zero maintenance and shrug off having to ram debris. Let’s face it, if the end of the world does happen, it’ll more likely be climate-related than zombie-related, so reasonable ground clearance and a full frame to get through the aftermath of extreme weather events sounds nice. So, here are the challengers, which one shall triumph?
1996 Chevrolet Silverado C1500 – $650
Engine/drivetrain: Five-liter V8, four-speed automatic gearbox, rear-wheel-drive.
Location: Ferndale, Michigan
Odometer reading: 143,000 miles
Runs/drives? Of course.
If you want a cheap truck that’s basically indestructible, it’s hard to go wrong with a 305-powered GMT400. Not only were these trucks immensely popular, they feature notably improved refinement over a squarebody yet maintain an air of running badly longer than most vehicle will run at all. Classic GM, am I right?
Under the hood of this beaten Silverado sits Chevrolet’s infamous 305 five-liter small-block V8. It’s not exactly a powerful lump, but it’ll get you wherever you need to go, no matter the circumstances. Best of all, it’s not torque-rich enough to really trouble the 4L60-E four-speed automatic gearbox.
Even from 50 paces, I feel like this truck would look pretty rough. It’s packing Michigan rust, dents, missing trim, and cracked corner lenses. Still, there’s something rugged and relieving about it, almost like freedom from caring. This is a truck that could see some serious mayhem and come out the other side looking no worse than when you bought it.
The only interior photo is of a broken door handle, and knowing this generation of GM trucks, I wouldn’t be surprised if the upholstery is slightly tired. The seller claims that the interior’s nice other than the broken handle, but I’m pressing x to doubt here.
2003 Mercury Grand Marquis – $2,100
Engine/drivetrain: 4.6-liter V8, four-speed automatic gearbox, rear-wheel-drive.
Location: Troy, Michigan
Odometer reading: 180,000 miles
Runs/drives? You bet.
Ah, the Panther platform. The proven choice for cabbies, cops, airport chauffeurs, and even Bob Bondurant. It’s the last full-frame sedan architecture sold in America, and it underpins this Mercury Grand Marquis. This 2003 model is even the first year of the ultimate frame revision, meaning you can crib parts from the litany of ex-cruisers littering junkyard across the nation.
Under the hood of this Grand Marquis sits Ford’s two-valve 4.6-liter modular V8 hitched to a four-speed automatic gearbox. It’s not a quick combination, but it’s stout and will run on whatever vaguely combustible pisswater you can find. Old fuel with twigs in it? Throw it in the tank, 4.6 won’t care.
On the outside, rust is eating at this Grand Marquis in the same places they all start to go, in the front fenders and along the bottoms of the doors. Hey, it’s a full-frame car, so why care about rust if it’s not structural? However, this thing looks fairly good aside from the rust, with none of the bumper hockey scars often associated with cheap cars.
Thankfully, the interior of this Grand Marquis actually looks quite nice. The seats look clean, the trunk looks immaculate, and the seller even claims that the air conditioning blows cold. Forget a beater with a heater, ride in luxury with this thing.
So there we are, two very solid vehicles for the end of the world. One’s a whole lot more expensive than the other, but cost seems directly related to condition. As usual, choose wisely.
(Photo credits: Craigslist sellers)
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Mercury for me. I’m guessing the Mercury will be way nicer to drive than the pickup truck. And I don’t need to tow a trailer or haul bedloads of mulch or whatever it is people with pickup trucks ‘need’ to haul.
And if I did, I probably wouldn’t want to do it with a $650 pickup truck.
Abstain in favor of rust free Oregon vehicles. Although I will note that even a GMT400 will succumb. #1 son’s 96 Suburban has a failing bearing in the 350 V8 and those 4L60 transmissions are failure prone so that’s currently the majority of the Suburban’s value along with some good tires
Where is the option for both? Less than 3K for 2 great beaters? Yes please,
Taking the Mercury. Perhaps I can go to a junk yard and get the bits to update it to the de Sade trim package.
I have Stockholm syndrome with GM vehicles. Chevy it is!
C”mon, everyone in the doomsday prepper community already knows that true “end of the world” vehicles need to have a carburetor.
What are you going to do when a giant solar flare or a North Korean EMP hits us and all the electronics take a permanent nap, smarty pants?
David Tracy and his like will be the only ones who own a car that will start. Yikes.
I think neither of these are a good call. My choice? An old Mercedes diesel, preferably of the 4cyl variety with a manual transmission. They are not fast but they are faster than a horse or a bicycle which will be the main competition once the gasoline is gone. Those old Mercedes engines will run forever on biodiesel or even waste vegetable oil if set up to do so and at least you’d have the option of parking it on a hill to bump start it when the battery eventually dies.
Yes you might be able to run the Ford on ethanol if so equipped, however that Ford will use a LOT of ethanol. You’ll need that ethanol for other things.
my folks had grand marquis, i drove it when they migrated to florida each year. real good car.
the trunk in the grand marquis is ginormous, i figure you can fit 4 jimmy hoffas in there, more if you chop ’em up.
And even more if you mince them like you get in a manwich…
Not even a fight, GM (GrandMa) by a mile, way more trouble free life ahead of it than on the Chevy.
In 2013 I bought my daughter her first car for college commute: 2003 Grand Marquis Ultimate Edition. It was garage kept, and near mint with 132K on the clock.
It served her well, and I felt OK about the body-on-frame construction even though it was without side airbags. In any event she bumped and banged it a little bit, I replaced the ECU (Ford extended 10-year, 250K warranty), and when she bought herself a new Honda Fit after graduation I got the Marquis back and used it as a daily for several years. The air-bag rear suspension went out, and I replaced that with coils in less than an afternoon, I swapped in a new set of coil packs, changed plugs, and ran it in comfort to 185K when I sold it.
It would register 25 MPG on trip computer (highway), and 17-18 in town. It was comfortable, reasonably nimble, and always inspired confidence.
My daughter got stuck once in the snow on a shallow incline. She called me to come get her, and I showed her how to turn off the traction control, back down the little hill, and gain a little momentum to make the grade. This was the only problem we ever had with the RWD in a Rhode Island winter.
As well appointed as the Ultimate Edition was, it was also somewhat of a work vehicle. I worked on bridges for several years and always felt safe parked in a traffic setup where there was always concern about being rear-ended by a motorist. I read somewhere that the chassis was designed with a 70 MPH rear-impact as a consideration, but this sounds a bit unrealistic. It was a good strong unit though, and I wound up buying a newer 2006 Grand Marquis GS with 33K miles, and then I picked up a 1995 Lincoln Town Car Cartier Edition for the sheer joy of just cruising it. I did wind up using both these cars on bridge decks, and The Townie actually looked pretty cool with the magnetic amber safety bar up on the roof. Nobody really screwed with me ’cause they’d see me get out of The Townie and figure I was “hooked up”. Funny.
The trunk on the ’03 swallowed up a new lawnmower purchase and a roof rack turned it into a poor-man’s flatbed. I hauled everything from kayaks to 16′ lengths of lumber. So yes, it’s the Panther for this ol’ Boomer.
I voted Chevy because I could probably flip it and double my money in 24 hours without touching it.
Personally I would rather drive the Marquis, but with the price difference if I had to buy one it would be the Chevy. As a die-hard Ford fan it pains me to say this.
All of this is dependent on under-body / frame inspection on both vehicles. As a resident of Ontario with family in Michigan, I am familiar with what salt may have done to both of these vehicles.
I was planning to vote for the truck based on the headline, but that one is too far gone. With that much rust, every mechanical repair will be a nightmarish battle with rusty/broken fasteners.
If they were in similar condition for similar prices, gimme a good solid pickup all day long. But between these two, I’ll spend the extra cheddar and ride in the comfort of the Grandpa Marquis.
At my age, I’ve earned some comfort. I’ll take the Merc.
FWIW, the truck is sold
That doesn’t surprise me. $650 is a screaming deal for a running/driving pickup truck, even with that much rust. I still voted for the Grandpa Marquis.
“Gimme the keys to the Grand Marquis”
This makes me wonder: How many of us pronounce the ‘S’ in “Marquis”?
The same number as those who say “masonary”, “foilage”, and “excape”.
Hey, let’s not leave owt “anyways.”
Yesh… cant leaf ooot ‘anyways’…
Or ‘Lieberry’ instead of ‘library’…
I’ve owned a version of both: a ’99 Suburban (RWD) and an ’01 Grand Marquis. They both have their own benefits and purposes but for all-around beater duty, I’d take the Grand Marquis.
The GMT400 platform is amazing but dates back to the late 80’s and it felt like it in terms of sound insulation and interior fit/finish. Is the extra ground clearance nice? Well, yeah! But do you need the extra clearance or would you rather ride in the Panther platform?
The Grand Marquis averaged 17 mpg always – loaded/empty/didn’t matter. Easy cruiser and friends were always comfy in it.
I’m in my 40’s, and have been driving a grandpa car the past year. 9/10 times it’s better.
The price difference makes the pickup pretty tempting, though the Mercury does look nice. If the prices were closer, I could vote Mercury.
I generally hate pick-ups, and this one is in pretty rough shape. The $1450 divergence in price does give one pause though–is the Marquis really a k and a half better than the Chevy? Probably not, but I am voting for it anyhow.
Give me the grandpa car. Luxobarge life is the life for me.
Always wanted a panther, but not for 3x the price of the truck. Though I would be looking underneath at frame rust on both before making a real decision.
The Merc was nicer, but The cheap price of the truck did it for me. A running pickup for 650.
The Chevy is suspiciously cheap. They probably only showed the picture of the broken door handle because the rest of the interior looks like a crime scene. I’ll pay extra for the Grand Ma that has a surprisingly nice interior and rusty fenders I can learn to live with.
That’s Fashionable Ferndale thank you very much.
As a former owner of a 1996 1500 and a 1999 2500, I have a soft spot for these GM trucks, but they gots to be 4×4. If I have to choose RWD only, I’d rather ride in comfort in that Cougar, I mean, Grand Marquis.
This was a tough one, if it was for some kind of emergency vehicle I’d go for the Chevy but I’ve always had a soft spot for the panther bodies otherwise.