My doctor has been very concerned that I’m not getting enough donuts in my diet, so much so that she demanded I get more vitamin donut, stat, or she’d send over some medical goons, paid from my own insurance, to work me over but good. I didn’t need that kind of hassle, so I got my ass over to Dunkin Donuts and presented my prescription for donuts. While selecting donuts based on the bloodwork paperwork I was given, one particular donut caught my gaze and gripped it, hard, maybe squeezed a bit. Here’s why: it was a taillight donut. Yes, a donut themed around taillights, the crux of my spiritual and social life. And yet I can’t figure out why this particular donut is a “taillight” donut? Luckily for Dunkin Donuts, though, I have ideas.
First, I need to show you the donut that Dunkin Donuts calls the Taillight Donut:
Now, immediately, I bet you noticed one thing about the Taillight Donut: it’s not red! Arguably, the one truly defining trait of a taillight, and its entirely absent! This seems like madness to me. Unless, maybe they were going for the blacked-out-and-white-plastic-ribs look of a 1980s Trans Am taillight?
I suppose this is possible, but only in the sense that it’s possible an octopus placed in front of a laptop could bang out some top-notch car blogs for me. Possible, but not likely. These were very much outlier taillights, and I think if anything, the visual association of the Taillight Donut with genuine taillights may be how the streaks of white frosting suggest a sort of possibly ribbed lens, or the play of light on a plastic lens? It’s really not clear.
I did reach out to Dunkin Donuts media relations department and asked them for the full story behind the Taillight Donut, and if they actually get back to me with real answers, I’ll do a whole follow-up article. Unless that follow-up proves to be a drunken phone call from Nathan “Dunkin” Deauxnaughts, and he tells me that if I know what’s good for me I’ll stop asking so many fucking questions about the Taillight donuts, lest he needs to “make the donuts” on me, with a crowbar.
Interestingly, the “taillight donut” concept exists outside of the Dunkin Donuts Cinematic Universe, with other practitioners of the donutty arts producing items that feel a lot more, well, taillighty:
The key difference here is, of course, the presence of red, in this case provided by the exposed jelly. This definitely feels more like a taillight, but not much more, and I think the correct way to go here is close to what Dunkin already does, just adjusted for color.
In fact, the easiest change would be this:
Let’s change the frosting from chocolate brown to whatever flavor red is. And maybe let’s make the white streaks a bit more regular, while we’re at it. That already feels way, way more like a taillight. But we can go further!
Let’s add in an amber turn indicator section, for safety reasons and a nice European flair. It feels even more like a taillight now! Shit, why are we stopping here, though? What is this, 1955? Reverse lamps should be standard! Let’s add some:
Yeah, now we’re cooking with taillights. That feels like a fun taillight. But could we go even further? I think so. What if we get rid of the reverse lamp done in icing, and instead plug that donut hole with a powdered sugar Munchkin/donut hole thing? Like this:
Oh man, now we’re really getting somewhere. Somewhere…specific! Let’s re-arrange some of these colors: white frosted reverse lamp on the main donut, and let’s get an orange frosted Munchkin, and…
We now have a donut version of the famous BMW 2002 taillight, arguably the finest round taillight ever crafted by human hands.
I think any of these suggestions would improve Dunkin Donuts’ Taillight Donut offerings, and if that organization has any sense whatsoever, they’ll listen to me. Otherwise, I’m taking these drawings right to Krispy Kreme, I swear it. I’ll teach you to ignore me, Nathan Deauxnaughts!
Is it just my occasionally depraved mind, or did anyone else think that the donut looks like it was in an unfortunate location at the end of an adult movie? (My apologies, but it looks obscene!)
Mmmm donuts. https://imgur.com/gallery/M0v1j
Sadly, Dunkin Donuts has gone steeply downhill since I was a kid. The coffee is awful now, and the donuts all taste like slightly stale marshmallows. Find a local coffee shop that makes their own pastries and donuts, and pitch your taillight donut design to them.
And now I sound Grandpa Simpson, don’t I.
When I saw this I totally thought you were going to talk about those things people with hemorrhoids sit on.
It’s clear the Autopian needs to open its own automotive-themed doughnut shop.
Tied in with that, you can name the types of coffee after grades of oil.
0W20 would be a light coffee. And for your strongest espresso, call it W90 Gear Oil Espresso… “If this doesn’t wake you up and get you moving, nothing will”. .
They were originally called ‘Butthole Donuts’ but that was too ‘woke’ so now they have to use the tail euphemism to get past the donut name censors.
I have a better name… Engine Sludge Coffee
Because Boston Cream Pie was already taken.
With the F40 tail lights you’ve got 2 different flavour
One serious problem with the BMW taillight donut, the orange munchkin will never be eaten.
Could it be they call them “taillight donuts” because after you consume them, they exit via your exhaust pipe?
Staying with your BMW theme, the donuts will also make you have a large tail.
Well, it’s friday afternoon (here), so.. I believe “tail” can be understood as in, you know, “chasing some tail”. And once you finally get real up close to one, it actually has kind of a brown circle. “Light” because the white illustrates the light that hits one if you uncover it properly. Bon appetit 😎
I have just the doughnut for you:
I’m going to theorize you’re the victim of a spelling error. Dunkin actually was making a low-calorie donut with an Asian zing to it.
It’s the Thai-Light Donut.
Krispy Kreme seems to be set in their donut styles, which don’t seem to have changed since ever. I would take your plans to Winchell’s, unless they don’t exist in your neck of the woods.